It's already over halfway through November and I find myself wondering when Halloween is. October flew by when I wasn’t paying attention, and now November is doing the same. Thanksgiving break, which seemed so far away last month, is almost here. Yet as excited as I am to have a break, the sheer amount of work I have to get done in the next week is frankly terrifying. During midterms, I told myself I just had to get through it, and in a couple weeks, I would be home. It was a great motivator at the time. Now, the closer I get to break, the more anxious I get. Instead of wishing the week would pass by faster, I find myself wanting everything to stop for a second.

I am faced with the reality that before I can go home in exactly a week (at the time of writing), I must write one term paper, a research paper, another Odyssey article, and take an exam. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if there is something else I’m forgetting that I have to do. It's hard to be excited to leave when you know about all of the obstacles you have to overcome before you can.

Yet while schoolwork is my immediate concern, the looming reality of going home is causing me unexpected anxiety. This will be the first time I go home since the start of my first semester at SDSU. It's been almost three months. I’ve never been away from home for that long. As I used Thanksgiving as a motivator, I don’t think I acknowledged it for what it really is. This is not going to be like any Thanksgiving break I’ve had before. For the first 12 odd years of my education, Thanksgiving break just meant I didn’t have to go to school anymore. I stayed at home. Now, I must physically relocate myself in order to get back home.

The entire dynamic of my perception of what vacation is must change. I will be spending my vacation in a place that I used to be dying to leave. Vacation was about leaving and going on adventures; yet, we typically spent them at home. Prior to moving out, one of the staples of my independence as an “adult” was going on mini-vacations without my family. I spent the vast majority of my time with them, and when I was able to leave for a day, or even a couple of weeks, I felt like I got a true taste of independence. Yet now, I spend the majority of my time without them. I will be returning to the place I used to so desperately want to leave -- and gladly.

Don’t get me wrong. I am ecstatic to go home. I was lucky enough to see my sister and parents over the SDSU Family Weekend. Yet after spending a majority of your life with these people, a day and a half seems like nothing. Not to mention that fact that my brother couldn’t come, and neither could my dog -- two very prominent parts of my life.

What worries me is how different things are going to be. I don’t even have to wonder if things are going to be different -- I wonder how. Life went on at home. At the beginning of the year, I had this mindset nothing would change, and when I went home, it would be like I had never left. It was a silly idea, yet not surprising. In my eyes, I was the one who was leaving and making this dramatic change. Part of me thought my family would cease to function without me, and the Ali shaped hole in their day-to-day lives would loom over them constantly. I guess it's easier to be narcissistic than realistic.

My family and I live completely separate lives now. Sure, we talk as often as we can. Yet compared to the beginning of the semester, when I would call my mom probably twice a day, I am lucky if I can find the time to talk to her once a week -- and that’s to really talk to her. We communicate when we can, however briefly. Obviously, I can’t recount everything that happens to me, and neither can she. We both find ourselves leaving out key details because we just assume the other person magically knows everything: I got a boyfriend, my stepdad bought a new car, I got an A on my midterm, and our kitchen remodel is almost finished. These are major parts of our lives, yet they exist completely separately.

Although I’m sure my family will disagree, I am an outsider now. I will be re-entering their world next week, just as they entered mine over Family Weekend. I will be a visitor in my own home. Part of me hopes we will be able to coexist like the past few months haven’t happened, yet I know that won’t be the case. What this break will be like is a complete mystery; I just have to survive the next week in order to find out.