Insecurity: A Never Ending Battle

Insecurity: A Never Ending Battle

I hope you know you're capable, brave and significant even when it feels like you're not.
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It's 2:30 a.m. and I am struggling. I am struggling with all of the things that add up to my insecurities. I feel like I've just been washed under a wave and I can't reach the surface for air. I know it seems brutal, but I feel that weighed down. The sound of my favorite coffee house music isn't even resonating with me. The only comfort I am finding right now is the blanket I'm cuddled up with on the couch.

I unfortunately came across something a few hours ago that I didn't expect and I can't get past it. It's silly that something that simple can make me feel so broken. I can't say that jealousy isn't playing a big factor in this because it is. I mean, I feel like I've just looked through a window that has everything I've ever wanted in it and someone has just tried to take it all away from me. I know it sounds a bit exaggerated but it's how I feel.

I can't help but lie here and compare myself to someone else's beauty. I feel guilty for trying to find imperfections in their beauty just so I will feel better. But, telling myself that I'm prettier and more intelligent does NOT make me feel better--I know it's wrong to think these things. Judging someone I don't even know, based off of a photo doesn't make me better of a person. So, because of my insecurity and trying to point out the flaws in someone else creates their insecurity; making me worse of a person than before I saw a photo of them.

This is an area I fail at most, because of my constant strive for confidence, I have to justify the reason I belittled that girl in the photo. I hate this about myself, because I know how wrong it is. I believe that it is important to lift up and encourage other girls for their beauty. But I fail at this when I feel like they are a threat to me -- that of which I am not proud.

I'm sincerely apologetic for my thoughts and my actions regarding this toxic quality of mine. This toxicity in my life doesn't make me feel good in any way, because I still struggle with my insecurities. For example, I hate the way my hair curls when it's wet and how my nose wrinkles when I laugh. I hate the way I sneeze and how toothpaste falls down my chin when I brush my teeth. I hate how I look without makeup and how I look when I just wake up in the morning. I hate how jealous I get and how upset I get over silly things. I hate how big my thighs are and how I can't fit into a size 00 or 2. I hate overthinking and feeling unworthy of being loved. I hate how I don't have blue eyes. Most of all, I hate the fact that everyone assumes I'm happy. I'm not happy all the time. I am unhappy most days of the week. I choose to hide the fact that I'm so insecure because it's almost easier to pretend that I'm not insecure than to acknowledge that I am, in fact, insecure.

I write articles to encourage and make a difference in someone else's lives. But, to be honest, this article is mostly for myself. I hope that whoever you are reading this, have found something that has resonated with you. Most of all, what I want you to take from this is that, it is okay to have insecurities, because they make us who we are. There will come a day when they one by one will disappear. There's always a little sunshine after a rainstorm. Don't let your insecurities overpower your life. You are who you are. It is what it is. You are beautiful. You have the strength to overcome the things that you think define your life.

I'm just going to take a second to add some light to this subject and leave this here: "Right now your life may be playing out in a way you never wished for. And you want out. Not even just out of your situation but out of the haze that's keeping you from seeing your purpose and leaving you to the prison your doubts and insecurities. And how can anyone blame you? But we do serve a God of purpose and pain is a part of the journey. Many times it's much bigger than us, but He never wastes a hurt. He never wastes a season--even the darkest. In fact, He will restore you and your greatest ministry just may arise from this pit. I'm a witness." - Brittney Moses

Cover Image Credit: Anna Brackins

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I'm A Woman And You Can't Convince Me Breastfeeding In Public Is OK In 2019

Sorry, not sorry.

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Lately, I have seen so many people going off on social media about how people shouldn't be upset with mothers breastfeeding in public. You know what? I disagree.

There's a huge difference between being modest while breastfeeding and just being straight up careless, trashy and disrespectful to those around you. Why don't you try popping out a boob without a baby attached to it and see how long it takes for you to get arrested for public indecency? Strange how that works, right?

So many people talking about it bring up the point of how we shouldn't "sexualize" breastfeeding and seeing a woman's breasts while doing so. Actually, all of these people are missing the point. It's not sexual, it's just purely immodest and disrespectful.

If you see a girl in a shirt cut too low, you call her a slut. If you see a celebrity post a nude photo, you call them immodest and a terrible role model. What makes you think that pulling out a breast in the middle of public is different, regardless of what you're doing with it?

If I'm eating in a restaurant, I would be disgusted if the person at the table next to me had their bare feet out while they were eating. It's just not appropriate. Neither is pulling out your breast for the entire general public to see.

Nobody asked you to put a blanket over your kid's head to feed them. Nobody asked you to go feed them in a dirty bathroom. But you don't need to basically be topless to feed your kid. Growing up, I watched my mom feed my younger siblings in public. She never shied away from it, but the way she did it was always tasteful and never drew attention. She would cover herself up while doing it. She would make sure that nothing inappropriate could be seen. She was lowkey about it.

Mindblowing, right? Wait, you can actually breastfeed in public and not have to show everyone what you're doing? What a revolutionary idea!

There is nothing wrong with feeding your baby. It's something you need to do, it's a part of life. But there is definitely something wrong with thinking it's fine to expose yourself to the entire world while doing it. Nobody wants to see it. Nobody cares if you're feeding your kid. Nobody cares if you're trying to make some sort of weird "feminist" statement by showing them your boobs.

Cover up. Be modest. Be mindful. Be respectful. Don't want to see my boobs? Good, I don't want to see yours either. Hard to believe, I know.

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For Camille, With Love

To my godmother, my second mom, my rooted confidence, my support

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First grade, March. It was my first birthday without my mom. You through a huge party for me, a sleepover with friends from school. It included dress up games and making pizza and Disney trivia. You, along with help from my grandma, threw me the best birthday party a 7-year-old could possibly want.

During elementary school, I carpooled with you and a few of the neighborhood kids. I was always the last one to be dropped off, sometimes you would sneak a donut for me. Living next door to you was a blessing. You helped me with everything. In second grade, you helped me rehearse lines for history day so I could get extra credit. In 4th grade, you helped me build my California mission.

You and your sister came out to my 6th grade "graduation". You bought me balloons and made me feel as if moving onto middle school was the coolest thing in the entire world.

While you moved away from next door, you were a constant in my life. Going to Ruby's Diner for my birthday, seeing movies at the Irvine Spectrum and just hanging out, I saw you all the time. During these times, you told me about all of the silly things you did with my mom and dad, how my mom was your best friend. I couldn't have had a greater godmother.

In middle school, you pushed me to do my best and to enroll in honors. You helped me through puberty and the awkward stages of being a woman.

Every single time I saw you, it would light up my entire day, my week. You were more than my godmother, you were my second mom. You understood things that my grandma didn't.

When you married John, you included me in your wedding. I still have that picture of you, Jessica, Aaron and myself on my wall at college. I was so happy for you.

Freshmen year of high school, you told me to do my best. I did my best because of you. When my grandma passed away that year, your shoulder was the one I wanted to cry on.

You were there when I needed to escape home. You understood me when I thought no one would. You helped me learn to drive, letting me drive all the way from San Clemente to Orange.

When I was applying to colleges, you encouraged me to spread my wings and fly. You told me I should explore, get out of California. I wanted to study in London, you told me to do it. That's why, when I study abroad this Spring in London, I will do it for you.

When I had gotten into UWT, you told me to go there. I did and here I am, succeeding and living my best in Tacoma. I do it for you, because of you.

When I graduated high school and I was able to deliver a speech during our baccalaureate, you cheered me on. You recorded it for me, so I could show people who weren't able to make it to the ceremony. You were one of the few people able to come to my actual graduation. You helped me celebrate the accomplishments and awards from my hard work.

When your cancer came back, I was so worried. I was afraid for you, I was afraid of what I would do without the support you had always given me. When I was in Rome, I went to the Vatican and had gotten a Cross with a purple gem in the middle blessed by the Pope to help you with your treatments. It was something from me and a little bit of my mom in the necklace, the gem.

Now, sitting so far from you away at college just like you wanted me to. I miss you. I wish I was there to say goodbye.

I'll travel the world for you, write lots of stories and books for you, I will live life to the fullest for you.

You are another angel taken too early in life. Please say hello to my parents and grandma in Heaven for me.

Lots of love,

Haiden

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