It's 2:30 a.m. and I am struggling. I am struggling with all of the things that add up to my insecurities. I feel like I've just been washed under a wave and I can't reach the surface for air. I know it seems brutal, but I feel that weighed down. The sound of my favorite coffee house music isn't even resonating with me. The only comfort I am finding right now is the blanket I'm cuddled up with on the couch.
I unfortunately came across something a few hours ago that I didn't expect and I can't get past it. It's silly that something that simple can make me feel so broken. I can't say that jealousy isn't playing a big factor in this because it is. I mean, I feel like I've just looked through a window that has everything I've ever wanted in it and someone has just tried to take it all away from me. I know it sounds a bit exaggerated but it's how I feel.
I can't help but lie here and compare myself to someone else's beauty. I feel guilty for trying to find imperfections in their beauty just so I will feel better. But, telling myself that I'm prettier and more intelligent does NOT make me feel better--I know it's wrong to think these things. Judging someone I don't even know, based off of a photo doesn't make me better of a person. So, because of my insecurity and trying to point out the flaws in someone else creates their insecurity; making me worse of a person than before I saw a photo of them.
This is an area I fail at most, because of my constant strive for confidence, I have to justify the reason I belittled that girl in the photo. I hate this about myself, because I know how wrong it is. I believe that it is important to lift up and encourage other girls for their beauty. But I fail at this when I feel like they are a threat to me -- that of which I am not proud.
I'm sincerely apologetic for my thoughts and my actions regarding this toxic quality of mine. This toxicity in my life doesn't make me feel good in any way, because I still struggle with my insecurities. For example, I hate the way my hair curls when it's wet and how my nose wrinkles when I laugh. I hate the way I sneeze and how toothpaste falls down my chin when I brush my teeth. I hate how I look without makeup and how I look when I just wake up in the morning. I hate how jealous I get and how upset I get over silly things. I hate how big my thighs are and how I can't fit into a size 00 or 2. I hate overthinking and feeling unworthy of being loved. I hate how I don't have blue eyes. Most of all, I hate the fact that everyone assumes I'm happy. I'm not happy all the time. I am unhappy most days of the week. I choose to hide the fact that I'm so insecure because it's almost easier to pretend that I'm not insecure than to acknowledge that I am, in fact, insecure.
I write articles to encourage and make a difference in someone else's lives. But, to be honest, this article is mostly for myself. I hope that whoever you are reading this, have found something that has resonated with you. Most of all, what I want you to take from this is that, it is okay to have insecurities, because they make us who we are. There will come a day when they one by one will disappear. There's always a little sunshine after a rainstorm. Don't let your insecurities overpower your life. You are who you are. It is what it is. You are beautiful. You have the strength to overcome the things that you think define your life.
I'm just going to take a second to add some light to this subject and leave this here: "Right now your life may be playing out in a way you never wished for. And you want out. Not even just out of your situation but out of the haze that's keeping you from seeing your purpose and leaving you to the prison your doubts and insecurities. And how can anyone blame you? But we do serve a God of purpose and pain is a part of the journey. Many times it's much bigger than us, but He never wastes a hurt. He never wastes a season--even the darkest. In fact, He will restore you and your greatest ministry just may arise from this pit. I'm a witness." - Brittney Moses