Wow wow wow. I just had my first encounter with the inner-healing process. A process I knew nothing about and did not really take seriously when I first heard about it. Inner Healing consists of prayer, silence, worship music, declarations, and questions that dig deep. I knew I had an emotional block from the Lord and I did not know what it was from, but within those two hours of digging deep, I found my answers. I am not saying this is the only way to find answers or to find hope, but I am immensely thankful for what it brought me this morning. I did not think it was possible to feel this put-back-together before in my life.
First, let me explain what the process looks like. I sat down and turned on my favorite worship music because I do not function well in absolute silence. I was asked about different memories and how they made me feel, where God was in those moments, what was blocked in those memories, what lies I told myself about that memory, who did I need to forgive, and what action steps I could take. Obviously, more questions were brought up depending on the situation, but that is the basic outline. I am not going to share every detail about my session, but there were five things that stood out to me this morning that I knew right away God had something to do with it.
The memories God brought to me
I sat there in silence while trying to think of what could possibly cause me the sadness I felt while being on the World Race. I felt like I had no connection to our Heavenly Father which was caused by a lack of conviction, wanting to read scripture, and no communication through prayer. We dug into my lack of connections within my family and friends. I did not even realize how maybe not being close to my father on earth could affect my relationship with my father in Heaven. I realized at the end of it how I treated both my fathers like strangers. I called them by their first names, but never papa or dad. I never realized how badly I yearned to be "daddy's little girl," so I changed the way I viewed both of my dads and it showed me the true amount of love I had for both.
The person God reminded me of in one memory
I also let go of so many feelings of loss and how I turned to the "wrong" people when I was mourning. One question was about the last person I knew who passed away and we talked about Karli Richardson. Karli and her sister, Kelsey, were killed by a wrong-way drunk driver in April of 2017. I was asked, "where did you see Jesus in that situation," and I could not think of anything because I was so angry with God. Then, Jesus provided me with the memory of a man coming to the one-year anniversary of their death. He was on the road that night and saw the scene of the accident. He and his family (wife and daughter) came to support Karli and Kelsey's mom during that hard time. I did not realize how much Jesus was present at that moment. I remembered him providing us with a bible verse during Good Friday service on the day of the accident to bring comfort, but I never considered how he was there during all that time.
We also discussed how when I am upset or mourning, I turn to people on earth instead of my dad in Heaven. I forgave myself for not thinking that through and for being dependent on earthly beings.
The verse that wrapped it all up & images
At the end of my session, we basically discussed my relationships at home, my heart during mourning, how to forgive my past relationships, and what action steps I was going to take next. My leaders prayed over my decision to cast out the devil and his negative spirits, reach out to my family, and try to be more open about my story/testimony. One of my leaders, who led the session, said Ephesians 1 came to her mind and WOW GUYS…. It was my entire session wrapped up with a bow. Read the verse below:
"Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, To God's holy people in Ephesus, the faithful in Christ Jesus: Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love, he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In Him, we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.
In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession—to the praise of his glory.
For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all God's people, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way."
Like…. WHAT?? I remember tearing up because these are WORDS written so long ago, but was a love song written to me by my heavenly dad!! The next best part was that my other leader said she was given an image of a heart beating fast and it was red and renewed. What is crazy about that is that I heard a while ago that heartbreak is literally real and hurts your heart so after every painful moment I would think, "how much more can my broken and grey heart take?"
SO much peace filled me knowing that my heart is healed.
The connection I had with someone else
After my session, I went to my room to process and ran into my World Race bestie. She began to cry tears of joy because she has the same relational issue at home as I did. I related to her so much and she said she reached out to her father and that he responded positively and the relationship is being fixed in the best of ways. I knew I wanted to reach out to my dad but did not know when I felt called too. I saw her joy and spirit of freedom, so I grabbed my phone in that exact moment and typed a message to my dad explaining the whole situation and asked to start a meaningful relationship with him. God is not a God of meekness, He is a God of "let's do this."
This was already a day filled with a lot of "woahs" and "wows" then I got a text message from my mentor at home that had this verse and quote, "My heart has heard You say, 'Come and talk with Me.' And my heart responds, 'Lord, I am coming.'" -Psalm 27:8
"A living, loving God can and does make His presence felt, can and does speak to us in the silence of our hearts, can and does warm and caress us till we no longer doubt that He is near, that He is here." -Brennan Manning"
God is GOOD and he follows THROUGH. He was giving me heart checks and confirmation left and right. When I say my life changed today, I mean it. When I say I dedicated my heart back to Jesus without a formal baptism, I mean it. Check in with yourself, do not build up all your feelings until you crack. You are LOVED and CARED FOR. Start your inner-healing at home or meet with someone you trust. God is ready when you are.