In Loving Memory Of My Darling Step Brother

In Loving Memory Of My Darling Step Brother

November 2003-March 2017
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Ernest,

I miss you so much. I smile remembering your cute little dimple on your face. I smile remembering playing out in the yard for years with your brother, John Charles, and my sister, Vivian. I smile when I remember jumping on the trampoline failing to do backflips. I smile remembering running to the big willow tree in the front yard that was ideal for climbing and was perfectly surrounded by leaves so no one could see all of our shenanigans.

I laugh thinking about sitting at the dinner table rolling my eyes when you would say, "little Audrey strong and able, keep your elbows off the table." I laugh picturing little Ernest running around trying to keep up with your older brother with a huge nerf gun in your hand. I remember how smart you are. You always were the best in your class at math and blew me away with how easily you grasped the material.

Sometimes, I cry. I cry because the last time I saw you I was walking through the cafeteria when I was about to get on a bus for a soccer game. You were so tall. The little nugget who I ran around the yard with and played sharks and minnows in the pool with was taller than me. I cry because, on this Earth, I won't see you again. However, I have many more reasons to smile.

You are my little brother, and what a lucky girl I am to have gotten to spend so much time with you. You will always still be here. I feel nostalgic remembering all four of us kids cuddled up in the man cave watching movies. Since Vivian is in your class, she makes sure to always fill your locker with flowers.

All of your friends have put sweet notes inside as well so you are honored and remembered as you should be. You left quickly, but regardless of the amount of time you got, this time was anything but wasted. You made so many people smile and laugh like you did for me. Your silly, bright energy was contagious and still is. There are times you appear in my thoughts, these moments I stop and I do not cry, I smile. I feel your energy inside of me and I get so excited to see you again soon.

Love ya Ern:)

Cover Image Credit: Audrey Hall

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To The Dad Who Didn't Want Me, It's Mutual Now

Thank you for leaving me because I am happy.
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Thank you, for leaving me.

Thank you, for leaving me when I was little.

Thank you, for not putting me through the pain of watching you leave.

Thank you, for leaving me with the best mother a daughter could ask for.

I no longer resent you. I no longer feel anger towards you. I wondered for so long who I was. I thought that because I didn't know half of my blood that I was somehow missing something. I thought that who you were defined me. I was wrong. I am my own person. I am strong and capable and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

In my most vulnerable of times, I struggled with the fact that you didn't want me. You could have watched me grow into the person that I have become, but you didn't. You had a choice to be in my life. I thought that the fact that my own father didn't want me spoke to my own worth. I was wrong. I am so worthy. I am deserving, and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

You have missed so much. From my first dance to my first day of college, and you'll continue to miss everything. You won't see me graduate, you won't walk me down the aisle, and you won't get to see me follow my dreams. You'll never get that back, but I don't care anymore. What I have been through, and the struggles that I have faced have brought me to where I am today, and I can't complain. I go to a beautiful school, I have the best of friends, I have an amazing family, and that's all I really need.

Whoever you are, I hope you read this. I hope you understand that you have missed out on one of the best opportunities in your life. I could've been your daughter. I could have been your little girl. Now I am neither, nor will I ever be.

So thank you for leaving me because I am happy. I understand my self-worth, and I understand that you don't define me. You have made me stronger. You have helped make me who I am without even knowing it.

So, thank you for leaving me.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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I Love My Sister, What I Don't Love Is Living In Her Shadow

I am not my sister, I am my own person.

Jgorman
Jgorman
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Let me start by saying that I love my sister and we are each other's best friends. But we were not always this close. My sister and I are 21 months apart in age which makes us two years apart in school. We are very different people and have very different personalities.

Julia is caring, studious, creative, loud, and well in tune with her emotions. On the other hand, there is me…I am extremely independent, quiet, stubborn, have little to no filter, and don't really share my emotions. So, growing up we had to figure out how we fit with one another while having very polar opposite personalities and tendencies.

While growing up, since we were so close in school, we tended to have the same teachers just years apart from each other. That's where it all began and would continue for years to come. When it came to school for Julia, it was always easy, and she didn't have to try too hard to be an excellent student. She was loved by all her teachers and couldn't be a better student if she tried. This caused there to be a standard for me to meet once I got to that grade. I would get stuff like "oh I had your sister, I bet you're just like her," or the countless times when the teacher would be taking attendance and call me Julia. "Is Julia Gorman here…oh, I mean Jessie Gorman."

The ideals that were put in place from already having Julia made the school even harder for me. I personally have always had to put more effort into school than either of my siblings. It really has never been my strong suit and I know that, so I knew that meant that I would be studying more, getting more extra help, having tutors, whatever it took so that I could do well and get the grades I was going to do. With the teachers having these ideas and me not being able to meet them as easily and quickly as Julia was annoying and uncomfortable.

I wasn't seen as Jessie — I was seen as Julia's little sister, Jessie.

This caused some strain on our relationship when we were in the tween and teen ages. As we both started high school it became less of an occurrence because there were more teachers which meant that fewer teachers knew who Julia was. I was able to build my own reputation and no longer got confused as her. Though we did do gymnastics together I looked up to her more because she had been doing it longer than me and I knew that she knew more. That was something that we really ended up doing together. We also had some of our own interests that we did do separately, such as I was in the band and she did the broadcast program at our high school. We both had our own little piece of ourselves that we didn't share.

BUT… come my junior year and her senior of high school, the band was looking for someone that was experienced in gymnastics and acrobatic type skills. In the back of my mind, I knew that Julia would be really good for this. I first off didn't bring her name up because the band was my thing and I didn't have to be compared or feel outshined by anyone. I did end up bringing her up and she became the "Bond Girl." I was not too happy about it, but I knew that I had to for the sake of the band.

Fast forward to the present day, Julia and I have an amazing bond and an even more amazing friendship. Though we did go through our struggles and still don't always see eye to eye she's my best friend. Even though I will be trying to one-up to you 'til the end of time!

Jgorman
Jgorman

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