In Loving Memory Of My Darling Step Brother

In Loving Memory Of My Darling Step Brother

November 2003-March 2017
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Ernest,

I miss you so much. I smile remembering your cute little dimple on your face. I smile remembering playing out in the yard for years with your brother, John Charles, and my sister, Vivian. I smile when I remember jumping on the trampoline failing to do backflips. I smile remembering running to the big willow tree in the front yard that was ideal for climbing and was perfectly surrounded by leaves so no one could see all of our shenanigans.

I laugh thinking about sitting at the dinner table rolling my eyes when you would say, "little Audrey strong and able, keep your elbows off the table." I laugh picturing little Ernest running around trying to keep up with your older brother with a huge nerf gun in your hand. I remember how smart you are. You always were the best in your class at math and blew me away with how easily you grasped the material.

Sometimes, I cry. I cry because the last time I saw you I was walking through the cafeteria when I was about to get on a bus for a soccer game. You were so tall. The little nugget who I ran around the yard with and played sharks and minnows in the pool with was taller than me. I cry because, on this Earth, I won't see you again. However, I have many more reasons to smile.

You are my little brother, and what a lucky girl I am to have gotten to spend so much time with you. You will always still be here. I feel nostalgic remembering all four of us kids cuddled up in the man cave watching movies. Since Vivian is in your class, she makes sure to always fill your locker with flowers.

All of your friends have put sweet notes inside as well so you are honored and remembered as you should be. You left quickly, but regardless of the amount of time you got, this time was anything but wasted. You made so many people smile and laugh like you did for me. Your silly, bright energy was contagious and still is. There are times you appear in my thoughts, these moments I stop and I do not cry, I smile. I feel your energy inside of me and I get so excited to see you again soon.

Love ya Ern:)

Cover Image Credit: Audrey Hall

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To The Sister About To Move Away, Girl, You've Got This

You may not physically be here right now, but you're always with our family.

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You were there on the day I was born, somehow sleeping soundly as our mom gave birth to me. I'll never forget the photograph of her presenting me to the world and you sitting beside her, holding up your newly-purchased beanie baby with pride as if being handed this toy was equal to the miracle of birth.

It was a crab, by the way, which somehow makes it funnier.

Growing up, you loved to trick me. You'd make me do chores for you and steal my favorite Barbies, but I think that's just part of being an older sister. I'd stick my tongue out at you and cry out the same phrase, "Mooooom, Sissy is being mean to me!" In fact, I yelled this phrase so often that it began to take on a musical quality.

You were mean at times, but you always had my back. You physically beat up other children that had wronged me, and you let me crawl into your bed so we could watch TV together and exchange stories. We'd often immerse ourselves in fantasy worlds where we were princesses and we rode unicorns side-by-side.

But we grew up, and our fantasy world evaporated like the muddy puddles we'd play in after stormy nights. One second it was there, and then, it was just gone. I remember having a conversation a few years back where we wondered if we had known the last time we played Barbies would, in fact, be our last.

When I was a seventh grader, you were a junior in high school. Our problems were very different back then, but that didn't stop us from talking endlessly about them. We were so similar. We bonded over cheerleading, cute boys, books and music. But even more than that, we bonded over our similar life views and questions about the universe. We both possessed an innate love for life yet we were both distrustful of society's guidelines.

Watching you enter new life phases enthralled me. I thought, Wow, that will be me someday. I danced around the house in each of your four prom dresses, my imagination taking me to a place much grander than a high school gymnasium. Through your stories, I romanticized the future and hoped that I would be as cool as you.

It was a little tough at times, though, always longing for a different part of life. When I entered junior high, all I wanted was to be in high school. When I entered high school, I decided college was much cooler because that's what you said. And you were certainly right about that one.

You were the only one I felt comfortable sharing my writing with, the only one I knew could read the meaning behind my sideways glances. We just got each other in every way.

And we still do. To this day, you are one of the people I love and trust most. I don't know what I am going to do without you by my side, as you've been right there for 20 years. But I'm so proud of you. Of the many things we would lay around and talk about throughout the years, one topic persisted: moving away. Moving used to be a pipe dream, something beautiful that lived in your mind but would never come to pass.

And then you took a chance. And now that dream is a reality.

I want you to know how much I admire you. You are so incredible and resilient. I've never met anyone so strong-minded and willing to fight for what she believes in. You would never compromise yourself or your values for another person, but you are generous with others and so kind-hearted.

You are curious about the world and have a desire to learn about life and the richness it has to offer. That is a special quality that cannot be learned. You are beautiful in every way and are truly a blessing to have as a sister.

And it is from these very qualities and so many others that I know you will do great on your own. Sure, it's super tough at first; nobody said it would be easy. But if anyone can do it, then that person is certainly you.

I will always cherish our moments together, and you can always count on me to be there on the sidelines cheering you on, no matter where your adventure takes you.

Much love,

Your Little Sis

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