I think "Bachelor in Paradise" is my favorite out of all the different "Bachelor/Bachelorette" spin-offs, because there's just as much drama as there is on the "Bachelor" (due to multiple crazy women) yet there's more than one hot guy to look at. Season 3 of "Paradise" aired its premiere episode this past Monday, August 1, and so far it looks like it'll be just as good as the last two seasons. As with all reality TV shows, the contestants have a lot to do with how successful the season will be, and there's some real doozies here. Take a look at the different men and women chosen to live in paradise (aka Mexico--don't stray from the resort, kids!), and my take on them.

The Guys

Jared Haibon

27, Restaurant Manager

I don't really remember much about Jared other than the fact that Ashley I. obsessively wrote him long love letters, usually met with a puzzled reaction by Jared that hovered somewhere between flattered and creeped out, followed by a lot of tears from Ashley. This is a totally unfounded assumption, but Jared looks like the kind of guy who spends his free time writing poetry. Appearance wise, he's kind of weird looking, I guess not in a bad way, but I feel like you could crack a peanut with his jaw, ya feel? Here's a pic of a nutcracker for comparison:

Next stop, the Land of the Sugarplum Jerrys

Chad Johnson

28, Luxury Real Estate Agent

Really nice, genuine guy. I especially like his playful roughhousing with a nod to domestic violence, his penchant to call women dumb bitches, and his derogatory comments about disabled people who are in earshot of him.

Daniel Maguire

31, Canadian

The man who taught us that your nationality can also be your occupation. Also my least favorite contestant this season. After surveying the women who had arrived thus far on the first episode of "Paradise," Daniel declared that he was looking for some "fruit" that was juicy and succulent, and that the "fruit" he had seen so far looked as though it had been bruised in transportation.

Also Daniel: "I wouldn't really touch any of them. Maybe the blonde [Amanda] after a few drinks."

Let's just get a few things straight, Daniel: you're nothing to look at yourself, you walk with your butt out and your shoulders forward like a defective ostrich, and your accent is stupid (eh). And newsflash, being a sexist pig in 2016 will not get you laid.

P.S. Stop with the weird metaphors

Evan Bass

33, Erectile Dysfunction Specialist

Evan Bass. His name sounds like it belongs to a guy who's going to be really hot (are you related to Chuck Bass, by any chance?!) but then you see him and it's like nope. I'm sorry, but I'm just going to come right out and say what everyone's thinking: was the recruiter who picked out the guys for JoJo's season blind? Looks may not be everything, but on "Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise"... well, they kinda are. My other quarrel with Evan is that he spends way more time having low-key anxiety attacks about Chad's whereabouts than he spends talking to girls.

Grant Kemp

28, Firefighter

Or, as my sister refers to him, the guy who looks like Squidward in that episode where he gets handsome:

She's not wrong.

Other than the fact that he's a firefighter and some sort of B-list model on the side, I don't know much about Grant. I guess we'll see what he brings to the table this season.

Nick Viall

35, Two Time Runner-Up on The "Bachelorette"

Oh, Nick Nick Nick. I feel like no one actually knows why this guy made it to the final two guys on not one but two seasons of "Bachelorette," but I guess there must be something there. He definitely has a mysterious aura about him, but he also seems to be on the fence somewhere between typical smarmy dude and soulful hipster. Nick and Jared could conceivably write poetry together.

Vinny Ventiera

28, Barber

Your typical guido dude--all he's really missing is the gold cross around his neck. He certainly has the overbearing and obsessive mother to complete the picture of an all Italian mama's boy. Speaking of which, you'd think since he's in the hair industry that he would do something about that waist-length platinum blonde sin on his fifty-something mother's head, but nope. See below:

"I don't mind that JoJo dumped me, Mamma, her meatballs weren't half as good as yours," Vinny whispers to his adoring mother.

***

Other than the possibility of a mother-in-law that makes you want to jump off a cliff, Vinny seems like a good guy. I don't mind him.

The Girls

Emily and Hayley Ferguson

23, Twins

Basically two Taylor Swift clones, but minus her snakelike personality and with significantly lower IQs. Like Daniel (Canadian), who taught us that when in doubt, use your nationality as your job, Emily and Hayley prove that birthright can function equally well as an occupation. My question is this: how is it fair that when one twin gets to stay on the show for another week, her sister also gets to stay? Does this rule apply for if one twin gets engaged on "Paradise?" (A two-on-one date to Salt Lake City wink wink am I right?!)

Amanda Stanton

26, Esthetician

A totally sweet, cute girl who wouldn't hurt a fly, and a single mother of two girls. So it's kind of like the package deal you get with Emily and Hayley, but for this one, you get two toddlers instead of a hot 23-year-old blonde twin.

Jubilee Sharpe

25, War Veteran

Well, if it's anything like Ben's "Bachelor" season then Jubilee won't be winning any guys, but she sure takes the prize in the "most badass occupation title" category. Jubilee is kind of introverted and awkward (a woman after my own heart!) but it didn't work in her favor on the "Bachelor" when she was confronted by the other girls in a totally uncalled for intervention about how she wasn't making enough effort to click with everyone. To which Jubilee responded with something along the lines of "I'm not here to make friends I'm here for Ben," proceeded to have a meltdown in the bedroom/had to be talked off the ledge by Ben, and was then sent home the next week. Clearly Ben thought the gossip of several catty and desperate women was sound advice to take. Hopefully Jube fares better this time around because she seems like a genuine girl, but if memory serves, she's a bit of a crier.

Sarah Herron

29, Advertising Executive

We like Sarah!!! She totally shut Chad down for being a disrespectful douchebag, telling him she wanted "nothing to do with it." Finally, a feminist "Bachelor" girl! Sarah's really pretty and nice, and also classy, which is kind of a rarity on the show these days. I hope she finds a boyfriend on "Paradise" but if not that's OK too because who needs a man!

Carly Waddell

29, Singer/Songwriter

All I have to say about Carly is that her hair looks like absolute hell. You'll have to take my word for it, because I couldn't find a headshot of her rocking the hair she has on this season's "Paradise," but dear lord it's gotta be making Vinny twitch. Her hair somehow manages to pull off badly colored, fried, and greasy, all at once. Carly herself doesn't really bother me, however. She definitely has a vicious streak (I can't help but remember all of the malicious remarks she made about the other girls on Chris Soules' season, especially when it got to the bitter end) but nonetheless her commentary is amusing. And usually true.

Isabel "Izzy" Goodkind

25, Graphic Designer

Can someone please tell me who the f this girl is?

Lace Morris

25, Real Estate Agent

Self-proclaimed "changed woman" after her frequent, insistent declarations of "I'm not crazy!" on Ben's season, resulting (unsurprisingly) in everyone in the house + Ben thinking the exact opposite. But obviously yoga and some hair extensions can work wonders for a gal, since Lace exhibited some very pragmatic and self-possessed behavior on "Paradise's" season premiere. Wait, having no problem with a guy more than double your body weight shoving you around a hot tub and repeatedly calling you a dumb bitch (and in fact making out with him all night) isn't healthy behavior? Oh. Well then in that case I guess Lace is still a few downward dogs away from obtaining healthy relationship standards.

Well, that's it for now, folks. Stay tuned for this week's episodes of "Bachelor in Paradise" (yes, episodes in the plural--it's on every Monday and Tuesday night). And be on the lookout for sexy newcomers... hint hint Josh Murray! Bye~