While sitting around the Thanksgiving table listening to what everyone is thankful for from significant others to their promotion at work, I realized that the thing I am thankful for the most is you.
You hurt me. You broke me. You tore me down. I questioned my sanity, my willingness to continue in any relationship ever, and all of my actions from that year.
Thank you.
From my relationship--or whatever you want to call it--with you, I learned more about myself and the world that I was stepping into than I would have otherwise. I was naive at the start. Thinking that I could change you and that the world would be a wonderful place. You didn't want a relationship, I didn't even think you wanted me half of the time, and I thought I could make you see it. I couldn't. I learned that believing in change, believing in changing you, believing in changing anyone, isn't as easy as I thought it would be. It's cheesy, but trying to be that person to "fix you" wasn't worth it. Not for me. You told me that I showed you what a relationship could be, and that you could be happy again. That just couldn't happen with me, apparently.
You showed me what it's like to care about someone the way I cared about you. You showed me that I possess the ability to make someone happy, which is something I never thought I had. Despite how things played out, I truly believe that I made you happy for at least some of the time we were together. You showed me that I can fall in love with someone comparable to my best friend. You showed me that the little things I want to do to make people happy are worth it.
You taught me to be me. You were constantly on my ass about being who I thought you wanted me to be. And once, I gave up on trying to be the person who I thought you wanted, and I was happy. You were happy. I learned that no one will appreciate who you are when you are anything but yourself. It is when you show who you really are that people are allowed the chance to fall in love with you.
I learned to let go. You dropped me off the side of a cliff when you cut off contact. No warning, no telling, no apology. I was angry. I couldn't let go. I waited, in hopes that you would come back. In hopes that you would miss me. You didn't. And I had to move on. I had to delete all of the photos, the messages, the memories. It may have taken me a couple of years to do so, but I did. I learned to let go of the right things, and hold on to the things that make me stronger. The things that help me remember the good person you really were.
I learned why you did the things you did, why you acted the way you did, why you said I just didn't understand. You told me that I was young and naive. You would laugh at me. And now I know why. I know what it's like to put my everything into someone. I know what it's like to offer someone the world and be completely let down. I know why you were so reserved, and why you claimed to not like me. I learned why you were so scared.
I hated you for a while. And I learned why I shouldn't. I grew from our "relationship" together. Maybe in a good way, possibly in a bad way. I became more cynical and more weary of relationships. I am more careful about putting myself in situations where I am openly offering to get hurt.
I know that I never said it, but I learned that I love you.
And I thank you for that.