It's officially here. My last undergraduate semester in college has begun and it feels like I started my higher education just yesterday. I'm excited to put it behind me and move on to a career, but I can't ignore the smothering fright that comes with it. I'm not as much afraid of what happens after graduation as I am the event itself (or what will lead up to it).
I often look forward to the start of a new semester. I look forward to a fresh start, a concrete schedule and another program to keep me accountable. There has never been an issue with jumping right back in and catching speed, but this time around was different. An overarching sense of fear and doubt have plagued the start of the semester and I can only hope that it fades before long.
Admittedly, I suffer from my fair share of irrational fears. Even though I can acknowledge that they're outrageous, I still live with them and it's made me afraid to admit that I'm graduating. Spending my days in fear that if I come to terms with my impending graduation that it won't happen. Somehow, in my head, I've decided that verbal recognition is going to terminate the success entirely.
I've always had a good run in school and never really struggled to keep up and even situate myself far above average, but I've also been growing the fear that I won't perform well. This time around, I've got a feeling that all of my previous education and efforts will fail me. Sort of like a dream where you take an exam and can't even read the language. Does this make any sense? No. Does it still keep me up at night anyway? Of course.
At this point, all I can really do is buckle down and wait for the storm to pass. It's my last semester and, although I wish I could enjoy it a bit more, I bulked up my course and workload to make it the busiest one yet. Despite how much I want it to end and want to move on, I know that I have to make it work. If I keep my mind focused on something else, it can't be hard for me to put my head down and do the work.
I am graduating at the end of the semester and, unless I desert everything I've ever known, that won't change. It might be hard for me to admit, but every day that I struggle with it brings me one day closer to the ceremony (and one day closer to the day after the ceremony).