I like to be in control. I don't like being pushed to my limits and I always have both hands grasped tightly onto whatever is in front of me. I also over-analyze everything. I hyperfocus on every little detail. I don't make a move until I've thought about it from every single angle, twice. I don't take chances, I take calculated risks. I'm careful and I'm a planner to the extreme.
But life right now is a little uncontrollable. I can grasp as tightly as I can and it might not be tight enough. I'm wearing so many hats right now--daughter, sister, student, employee, women of Christ, and friend-- and I love each of these roles tremendously. I wouldn't trade any of them for the world, but somedays it can seem like a lot. And as a person that likes to control everything this can be rough.
The last six months of my life has pushed me completely out of my comfort zone. In fact, I'm not even sure what my comfort zone even looked like anymore. Every day I wake up and I take place in my new routine, but it doesn't feel like a routine. Every day pushes me further away from my comfort zone.
And I'm just now starting to realize this isn't a bad thing. I'm viewing this insanity that is being a full-time student working a part-time job juggling a hundred different hats as a blessing. Because it is. I'm getting to pursue what I love the most, education. I'm blessed enough to live with parents that are helping me crawl my way through this semester by being supportive, giving me space to grow and live, and being my friends. But mostly, I'm grateful that I live outside of my comfort zone because I'm figuring out who I am.
This is a time I'm supposed to be finding myself and some days it feels like I'm more lost than ever, but in the end, I'm figuring myself out. I'm figuring out the kind of person I am when I can't control what's in front of me. I'm learning that I can't build every part of life to my liking. I'm learning how to be alone. I'm figuring out who I am when I feel lost. I'm gaining skills by spending time alone and not having a hand on everything that will help me with whatever the next chapter looks like. I'm learning what it's going to be like to be a mother, a wife, an employee full-time, and whatever else the world throws at me.
I'm out of my comfort zone some days more than others. I don't always know what my next step is or how I can fix this to be MY situation, but that's okay. I learning a lot. I'm leaning on the people who love me most. I'm learning that even when I feel lost and in over my head, I'm finding out exactly who I am.