I have not gone a single day without my phone in the past 10 years. I know where my phone is at all times, 24/7, and I get worried when it is not in my field of view. It is the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see when I go to bed. It's taken a long time for me to realize and accept this... but I think I have an obsession.

My brother and I joke all the time about the fact that I am always on my phone whenever my family is talking to me, and at first I never really thought anything of it. If I am bored or not really involved in a conversation, I tend to just go on my phone to occupy myself, and that will be that. Looking back, I feel really guilty because it probably gave off the impression that I don't care about what that person is saying or I'm bored of them personally when that is not the case at all. I don't know why reaching for my phone is my first instinct 99% of the time, but I hate it. I really hate it. While my phone can be really helpful in certain situations like connecting with friends and helping me get from place to place, it is also one of the biggest causes of my anxiety.

There have been far too many times when I was trying to get work done and scroll through my phone simultaneously, then get stressed about how I am not getting any work done, put my phone down, see a notification pop up, and felt the physical compulsion to pick the phone up, and then the vicious cycle continues. Not only is it distracting for me, but whenever I see something that upsets me on the internet, whether that be a gorgeous model that I know I will never look like (resulting in a lot of self-deprecation and loathing) or when people actually have their shit together while I struggle to wake up in the morning, I tend to ruminate and mull over those negative thoughts for hours on end. It's as if I'm in a constant state of dissatisfaction with my life because I keep comparing myself to everyone else, ultimately leaving me low-spirited and just plain depressed.

My phone has also affected me physically. I have frequent headaches and at least once a month, a feeling of intense strain in my eye, causing even more headaches. I have trouble falling asleep, getting proper sleep, and I feel drained/ exhausted throughout the entire day. It scares me that despite knowing the source of most of my problems, I am still not able to control myself, not even for my own health. My phone not only acts as a source but an enabler to my anxious thoughts.

I really do believe that I will get better as time passes, and there are other aspects of my life that need to be changed to improve my mental health. Starting with my phone is a step in the right direction.