There comes a season in life where the people around you start getting engaged. People you knew from high school. Friends from college. Best friends from your adolescent years. People you worked with growing up in church. Acquaintances you met that one time you went to that one dance.
You name it.
When you're in your early 20s, it seems like people are getting engaged left and right.
Why? Well, that is, because they are.
It's the stage of life where people fall in love and commit to one another.
And when you're single at this stage, it's easy to mistake being alone for being lonely.
Nonetheless, feel behind the curve for being in a relationship.
I'm not demeaning the value of marriage or love or being engaged in any light because all of these things are beautiful and meaningful and filled with happiness and joy. I felt and feel all of these good things for the people in my life that have gotten married or are engaged because being able to witness the type of relationships that just work and glorify God fill me up with all of the qualities that I know should be.
There were and sometimes are times when I viewed/view being single in my early 20s as half empty.
Because sometimes, it's really hard not to fall into the trap of being lonely. To be honest, it's super easy to drown in our sorrows and sadness that a man or woman doesn't know us the way we want to be known and loved.
We want security. We want laughter. We want a person to openly feel the same way we do about them. We want communication and harmony. We want closeness and kisses and emotional stability. We want someone to know what we're feeling before we even say a word. We want adventures and rainy days indoors. We want a life spent sharing a love that we wouldn't trade for the world.
And a lot of times, when we're not in a relationship in a stage of life where it feels like everybody has somebody, it's so easy to focus on everything we don't have.
Believe it or not, I've wallowed my fair share over the years because I allowed myself to compare my singleness to all of the good things I saw that other people had.
And so, the constant basking in my own self-pity chipped away at my ability to see that I did have all of these things, and the self-pity eventually made me realize that I had to change my perspective about timing, relationships, and singleness.
And eventually, I learned how to see my glass as half full because I found a new perspective.
Recently I read a segment of a poem that emphasized the difference between being alone and being lonely:
But lonely and alone are so very different
Alone: You may explore and feel and kiss
this new soil. You will be free to roam. To wander.
To change. To become. To learn. To love everything
that it means to be alone and not lonely.
Lonely: Remember that even "Max
the king of all the Wild Things
was lonely and wanted to be
where someone loved him
best of all"*
Alone, Not Lonely (For Hannah)
High Wire Darlings by Kalyn RoseAnna Livernois
Much like Max, we all desire to be somewhere where someone will love us best of all.
For many, that's found in a romantic relationship. And for the others, that's where we are searching for the satisfaction of being loved.
If we're honest, there's nothing else like being known that way. Nothing compares. That's why we chase it when we don't have it.
But for me, I've always been fortunate enough to be loved best by multiple people. But I still sometimes I still struggle with letting myself be blind to the fact that I have an amazing support system that loves me and knows my heart.
As more time passes in being a young adult, I am able to see that this struggle is very real for me as it for others. A lot of you probably had no idea that I too wrestle in these things, which is probably because being vulnerable in this way scares me.
But I'm also learning that there is a certain strength that can be found in singleness. There's beauty in getting to spend time with yourself.
You gain the confidence and knowledge that yes, you can make it on your own. Yes, you are desirable and strong because you know what you're worth, and you took the time you needed to realize your virtue.
So yes, I'm alone. But I'm not lonely because I am surrounded by friends and family who know me.
It may seem to you that I don't think about these things, but I certainly do.
I'm a broken person. I'm not full of confidence all the time. Sometimes I'm too critical of myself. Other times, I'm self-fish in loving myself.
But I'm also strong and dependable and capable and know that I deserved to be loved well.
I'm not saying that dating is out of the bag.
I'm saying that right now I learn more about myself everyday. That I'm continuing to learn more about self-love in order to be able to love somebody else whole-heartedly.
I'm not against dating, but I'm not searching either.
I'm just learning to love everything that it means to be alone and not lonely.