If I knew it was our last goodbye:
We've all lost someone in our lives and it can most definitely feel like the end of the world. You get that gut-wrenching feeling that makes you want to throw up and it's like every word that anyone says is a complete lie because you just don't want to believe it. It's like you're waiting to wake up from this nightmare, but no matter how hard you try, it just makes you realize this is reality. You sit there and are forced to listen to everyone telling you that “it's OK,” “they're in a better place,” when really it's not OK. I think that's what gets me the most. It won't ever be OK, there will never be a day when you wake up and say “it's totally OK that you're not here anymore.” Yet, that seems to be the first thing people say when trying to console you.
I've always wondered what I would do if I knew it was our last goodbye. What would I have done differently? Would I have given you a bigger hug and held on a little longer? Would I have asked you things I've always wondered about you? Maybe I would've talked to you and listened to your stupid jokes and laughed about old times. But in reality, I probably wouldn't let you go. I would of held on for an eternity if I had the chance.
I probably would have told you how much you meant to me, told you I love you with all my heart and I have since the day I was born. I would of thanked you a thousand and one times for always being there for me when I needed you most, and told you how grateful I am for the time I got with you. I'd reassure you that we would be OK, we'd all get through it, even if it was a complete lie. I'd apologize for not spending time with you like you wanted...that was always something you got upset with me for, but I guess I thought I had more time with you than I did. I'd tell you that things would be different without you, family events would be dull, times wouldn't be as fun and there would always an empty spot waiting for you at the Thanksgiving table.
For a while I felt angry, kind of like I was mad at the world for letting this happen. I couldn't wrap my head around the thought that you were just gone. No signs, no warning, just gone. I wasn't ready, none of us were, I still had so much to do, so many things I wanted you to be there for. I really felt like I was in a dream, but waking up did nothing but remind me you weren't here. It's been hard without you, I think it always will be. Even though I know I'll never be OK, I know I will get better. I know that I'll be able to look at your picture and think about the memories we had instead of the pain of missing you. I know I'll be able to talk about you with a smile on my face instead of a tear in my eye. So I know that eventually things will be better, I'm just waiting for them to get there. I'll miss you always, Grams.
Love,Your Granddaughter
