Listen up, because what I'm about to tell you is of dire importance. If you are a DePauw student who regularly orders Marvin's and you have not yet tried Frank’s Fries, then be warned that this article may change your life forever.

Months from now, you will look back upon the empty shell of an existence that was your life before you first tasted one of Frank’s glorious fries, and you will weep. I am about to make your life that much better. 

For too long, I have witnessed friends ordering mere french fries from Marvin's, tragically unaware of what else is available to them. I can no longer stand idly by and allow that to happen. You see, when God invented the potato 4,000 years ago, he did so solely because he knew that a heroic fry crafter would one day arise to transform it into something greater. That hero was Frank. No one knows who Frank is, or how he became such a culinary mastermind, but the world owes him a great debt. 

The magnificence of Frank’s Fries is ineffable, but I will do my best to adequately explain what makes them so great. Frank’s Fries are what happens when you take an ordinary french fry and envelop it in a delicate blend of garlic salt and herb seasoning. The exact recipe for this seasoning is held in a cartoonishly overprotected vault somewhere in Siberia, so that no one else can ever hope to steal the secret of such marvelous fries. The point is, these things are practically fine gourmet. When I eat them, I think, "this must be what the Queen of England feels like when she drunkenly attacks a bag of fries at two in the morning." 

Some fools might argue that Frank's Fries are too salty and that the pile of salt that accumulates at the bottom of the bag by the time you finish is evidence of this fact. I say, nay. This is America, and I deserve to have fries saturated with as much cholesterol as they can hold. I salute Frank for being a true patriot and making his fries as deliciously unhealthy as possible. If fries were meant to be bland I'd just go around eating potatoes like some sad Irish kid.

What’s that, unenlightened reader? You still think these sound like ordinary seasoned fries? That’s because I haven’t gotten to the best part yet, dummy. You see, Frank’s Fries come with their very own cup of cheese dipping sauce. The obvious advantage of this is that everything on the Marvin’s menu, probably everything in the world, tastes better when dipped in cheese. Just ask for a ranch cup on the side and you’ve got yourself a complete breakfast. Heck, if you want, you can probably even ask them to substitute the cheese cup for a ranch cup. I wouldn’t know though, because I always get both.

And I know this is pretty much redundant, but as with all Marvin’s food, these are not meant to be eaten while sober. As far as I know, the effects of Marvin’s food has never been tested on sober people, and the results could be dangerous. I believe, next year, they’re going to start printing warning labels on the bags and having delivery people refuse service to people who don’t look sufficiently intoxicated. 

So how much does this wonderful, underrated hidden gem of the Marvin’s menu cost? A million dollars? A billion dollars? No. That would be silly. I’m pretty sure it’s only like $2.75, or free if you can con a freshman into using their meal plan money. Why not call Marvin's and get some delivered right now? If they deliver to Moscow, I can only assume they’ll deliver to your home town. Give it a try, and remember to tip your delivery guy.