I have written this story over and over again, wondering where everything went wrong. I wonder what happened to me between you and now. I used to be drawn to the thought of someone loving me forever and now I shudder at the thought of someone looking at me as if I belong to them in fear that one day they'll wake up and realize that I'm not enough.
This is the part of heartache not a soul suspects.
You don't imagine yourself eager to fall in love and then becoming numb to the possibility. You're a wreck, you've been to hell and back, and you'll be damned if you get dragged back by someone you once again let into your cracks and scars.
I can vividly remember you saying "forever" to me over and over and now that word is meaningless. It once held every hope and dream that I thought possible and now, nothing. I thought that maybe since you left a year ago, I'd be perfectly fine trying to find someone new, but as soon as I accept that I like another boy, I shatter.
I can't seem to let myself feel anything other than what I felt for you and it kills me. The last thing I want is to waste my time with the thought of the boy who left me in the dark for weeks before he decided I wasn't enough. Why would my mind do that to me? Is there a reason I can't move on? If there is, I would love to know because it's not fun anymore.
I don't mean to blame you but, I'm blaming you.
You have soured the thought of love for me. The words that once tasted so sweet on my lips burn like fire because you're the last name to be associated with them. I can still taste your carmex that you put on every night before we went to bed, and I can still smell the cologne you wore on our trip to Minneapolis.
I've been asked about you more times lately then I ever was before and it's miserable. I hate that people don't understand you don't want me in any form. No friendship, no love, nothing. I can't help but blame you. I begged for you to stay in my life, even if that meant as a friend. See, I wasn't just losing my boyfriend when you left, I lost my best friend and that is what truly killed me. I was stuck in this dark place without my best friend by my side.
I don't want to hate you, believe me I don't.
A small art of me wishes you would've just left me alone when you started working at O'reallys, but the other parts of me feel nothing but luck to have had you in my life for even the shortest amount of time. Eventually home will feel like home again, but until then I'll avoid Minot like a disease. I wish you the best, I really do. I just don't understand how you're doing so well when you clearly know you destroyed a perfectly good, put together heart.
When I first saw you, I thought I finally found someone who can heal what others have shattered, but in reality, you just shattered what had already been done, leaving me broken and begging for someone to help. I'll get over you eventually, just like all of the others.
You're my one great love, my McDreamy, if you must. I'll happen, just not today.
Today I'll sit here and think of more to tell you while I'm crying in my room wondering why I can't give my heart away to the nice guy who wants to take me to dinner.