"It'll get easier"
That's what I heard over and over after the death of my best friend, Matthew.
I believed it, too.
It's been over two and a half years since his passing and my grieving process has actually...gotten worse. It feels like it has gone in the opposite order than it was "supposed to" which has made this fall extremely difficult. You see, Matthew was a kicker on our high school's football team, so every time I see "the boys of fall" it rips me to shreds. He was a great football player too; he was headed to college to play. Football games were hard to attend because all I could think about is how much I wished I was traveling to watch him play.
Memories from songs, jokes, and pictures flood back to me more intense than ever before. I feel myself sitting in a situation just thinking it would be better if he were there. I also have started asking all of the what-ifs.
Matthew was one of my greatest friends, but he was always so much more than that. He took me to my first prom, was along for all of the crazy boy stories I made him listen to, and made me laugh as no one else could. He was my confidant, rescuer, protector and adventure companion. He was such a light in my life and the happiest person I knew.
I have again been finding myself questioning why he was taken so soon and going in reverse of my so-called closure. So much has happened recently that makes me wish he were still here to go to for all of my battles. I look at his pictures with more pain and longing than ever before. And why? I thought I had made progress. How does a grieving process go in the wrong direction?
The loss of a loved one will never "make sense". And the grieving process doesn't have an "order" for everyone. I don't think it will ever go away for me. I will just have to take each day at a time. Matthew will always be a part of me and I will always have precious memories with him. Just know that if you are feeling this way you are not alone. There's no correct way to grieve.
It's just all about learning how to swim.
Matthew would have been twenty-one at the end of this month.
I hope you're partying hard up there MP, I love you.