Ever since I can remember, I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. I thought out what I was going to say in my letter, who’s names I would mention and how I was going to do it.

But every time I went to do it, I couldn't. I couldn't bare the thought of hurting the people I loved the most. My dad, my mom, my sisters, my family but most of all my husband.

I have been with him since I was 13. He is my best friend, my soulmate and my whole world. He loved me when I couldn't love myself. How could I leave him in this horrible world alone? After all I felt like I spent many life times looking for him. So after finally finding him why would I want to leave him?

My depression and suicidal thoughts were nothing new to him. I think over the years he started to see just how sad of a soul I was. He never liked leaving me alone for long. He knew my thoughts were my worst enemy.

The years past and my depression and suicidal thoughts stayed the same. I thought about it every day. A few times I almost gave in to those thoughts. But then God brought a light into my life. My own little Rae of sunshine. My beautiful daughter.

She brought a whole meaning to my life. She gave me a reason to live. No matter how much I still want to die, no matter how much I think about it. I can't do it especially not now. When all you want to do is die, stop the thoughts, the feelings, when you just want it all to end. But you can't because someone needs you, someone is looking up to you, someone loves you and that someone calls you mommy.

Being a parent who suffers from depression and anxiety is the hardest battle I have ever fought. You know your child deserves a happy mother not an emotional mess. Then apart of you just wants to end it all but then you hear a tiny voice laugh, you remember why you try. Why you get up every day and face your thoughts. All because someone needs you. I believe god gives you a child when you need a reason to live. And that's exactly what my daughter is. She's the sunshine in my dark life.