I Once Lost My Faith

I am a Christian, He is my Father, I was once lost - but I was found.

Based on my previous articles it is difficult to imagine me being a Christian. I mean, I find myself speaking about my frequent hookups, exchanging foul words in articles, and I do other things that would not be pleased by God - But, I am a Christian.

I am "back seat Baptist." When I attend church you can find me sitting in the back minding my own business while watching the fellow members doze off, look at their phone, or whisper about their peers to another. I very rarely attend church, for my own reasons, but my attendance does not have any correlation with my relationship with God.

I was saved and baptized at a very early age, I was 8, I believe. I understood what it meant to be a Christian and I am satisfied with my decision, but I struggled with my faith later in life - and I never want to feel like that again.

When I was in high school I struggled with a lot of mental health issues, I was insecure about my tiny body, big forehead, and my lack of relationship status. I always knew I was ugly and it took years before I realized that embracing your flaws is a better coping mechanism than judging yourself - you cannot do anything about the size of your forehead, sis! But, I hated myself. I hated how guys treated me, I hated how I looked and felt in my own skin, I hated my family and lack of support I had at the time, and mostly I hated God. I hated how someone so powerful could make my life so miserable and not fix things - I wanted to die.

In 10th grade I considered suicide, I mentally, physically, and emotionally could not take it anymore. I lost all of my faith with God, and I hated everything about religion. I stopped praying, caring about what happened - I was numb. I spent a lot of my high school years hiding the fact that I was not happy, but my life did get better once I had a boyfriend and I kept my mind distracted.

I never told God, "Thank you." I should have thanked him for blessing me with a better mindset and helping me move forward- but I did not. I went years without praying until I faced my first real heartbreak. That pain was excruciating and I felt that I was heading back down a dark path. One night, the pain was worse than others, and I was bawling. I had enough, I could not handle the hurt any longer. That night, after years of ignoring God, I dropped to my knees and prayed for all of the pain, hurt, fear, anger to disappear. At that moment I felt at ease like a weight was lifted off of my chest. I was a new person from that night forward.

I was amazed, and still am, by how such an amazing Creator still helped me out of my darkness after I left Him in the past. I am not perfect, and I still do VERY sinful things, but I hope to continue to rebuild my relationship with God because He deserves more than a simple article after all He has done for me.

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