I May Never Get Married (and its okay)

Gender dysphoria hit me pretty hard at fifteen. It was at this age that I realized I needed to be happy with my own body before I could ever have anyone else love me. I also just got super uncomfortable with any sort of closeness or intimacy with anyone. A vast majority of the people I dated or spent serious time with romantically were almost always off of Bumble, Tinder, Ok Cupid, or some other dating app or website. It was because I found it so much easier to cut to the chase. I could put in my bio things about my dysphoria or what I wanted in the future and if that was something that the individual on the other end of the app didn't feel like they wanted, they were more than welcome to swipe left.

However, it seemed so much more daunting in real life. Both times I ever went out with someone, I decided to "just be friends" by the second date. Both times it ended with a kiss on the second date and I realized that it simply wasn't for me. (I have yet to have a kiss or experience with a girl, but that's a different story.) When I was a senior in high school, we did a project on how to budget. We were given an annual income then a family situation so we could spent accordingly. I remember reading my out loud "single without children with a college education." It might have even been a two year college degree but I don't remember.

When I was younger, before puberty had fully hit and I didn't feel plagued with dysphoria, I would discuss having twelve children and being married. It was always a dream of mine and if I am being honest, it still is a dream. Its a dream I am not even fully willing to admit due to the fact that this dream seems less and less realistic as my life progresses.

My dysphoria especially around my menstrual cycles has gotten worse and worse. It is a true out of body experience, like I am just having to sit back and watch this entity plague me and I am given no control. I feel like I wanted to slither out of my own skin. Dysphoria is something I would never imagine wishing on my very worst enemy. It is one of the saddest and sickening feeling and it is exceedingly reoccurring. It takes over your life and never truly leaves you.

Because of this, I doubt I could ever truly see biological children in my future. It really is a lot more important to me that I feel comfort and my body and not misery for who I am than to have kids. Although this is a dream of mine and I really can't imagine a life without raising kids, I know that this is a reality a lot of trans, gender queer, and non binary people must face.

I don't want this fact to be used as a talking point against the trans community, as the right wing and skeptics are forever so willing to do. It seems any downside to being trans is taking into their hands and dramatized so that laws against trans people can be passed and the struggles of the community can be used to further their twisted political agenda.

I have gone through it all. I have considered freezing my eggs (a cost of 10,000$) and using a surrogate some day (can be 30,000$-90,000$) and adoption. I have thought of these things whether I am single or have a partner in the future. Either way, I know now that I am nineteen. I am leaving my teen years soon and as I leave them, I am coming into a new phase of life, a phase that I would love to start comfortable in my own body.

It breaks my heart sometimes to think of the future and see it bare, without kids or a spouse. But I know that this is most likely the reality. Three out of the four jobs I have held have involved children. One job at a summer camp, another at an elementary school after school care, and the latest at a science summer camp full of intelligent little tots. I was asked once by a guy I spoke with if I wanted kids.

"Of course." Was my reply. Perhaps my reply will always be "of course" and perhaps I will never actually get to do anything about that. I know what I want and I know who I am. Sometimes it is best to accept the things that are out of my control. Changing myself to feel more fitted in the body I am is something that I have the potential to change (if I ever get the finances, insurance, and timing right) but my unborn kids are another story. In all honesty, it might not be up to me. God's plan with prevail either way. Maybe I am meant for a life of children and maybe I'm not.

In all honesty, these are all questions I can not answer. They remain worries pulsating in the back of my mind, but I know as I go forward in life there are many brave people before and after me that will go through the exact same things. All I can do is try to live life for the moment.

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