As a kid, my absolute favorite time of year was October to January, because they contained the four best days of the year: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years.
I'd sit around with bated breath just waiting for the time when I could scream "Happy Halloween" and "Merry Christmas" at the top of my lungs. The holidays meant my family being together. They meant my favorite foods, dressing up in costumes, and getting the gifts I'd been waiting for all year. The holidays meant the warmth of family even in cold weather. They meant the sound of laughter from the people I loved most in the world. They meant the smell of my grandma's pecan pie and the taste of my mom's eggnog.
This year the holidays mean grief. They mean gazing at empty chairs where relatives should be sitting. The holidays mean smiling at stories of years past, even though deep down I'm struggling. The beginning of the holiday season heralds the time of year I begin dealing with the fact that memories like the ones I cherished can never be recreated. Holidays are no longer the picturesque and idyllic days I made them up to be during childhood. They are days I try to avoid, days I struggle through, and wish I could skip completely.
In the past three years, two of my grandmothers and my grandfather have passed away. To say the losses have changed the way I view holidays is to put it lightly. The dynamics of my family have dramatically changed since then, changing with them the dynamics of holidays. Christmas is no longer stringing popcorn and the movie Christmas Vacation. Thanksgiving is no longer arguments about when to put the turkey in and eating on my grandma's porch. Halloween is no longer a fire in the driveway and trading candy at midnight. New Years is no longer burning sage for good luck and making wishes for the next 365 years.
Watching friends and seeing them return to homes full of relatives and the holiday atmosphere may be the hardest part of this time of year. Knowing that for me, this time of year used to be wonderful, incredible, and magical. But now the magic has faded, and I'm left staring at framed pictures of memories I can't get back. In my adult life, the holidays have become a reminder of everything that I've lost, and it's hard to go through them feeling alone.
I would love nothing more than to one day be able to participate in holidays happily. And maybe in the future, I'll be able to get through Christmas and Thanksgiving without being upset or feeling like I've been cheated out of the holiday spirit. I'm hopeful that in future holiday seasons, I'll be able to reclaim some of that joy that I feel like has been stolen from me.
This year, I'm making it my goal not to look into the past at things I can't experience ever again. I'm going to hug the few family members we have left a little harder, and try and create memories I'll miss in the future. There's a theory in physics that every moment in time is all happening at the same time, and I like the idea of this. It makes me feel like I haven't lost as much, that even though the current me is struggling, somewhere all those amazing holiday memories are still taking place.
This holiday season, be sure to live fully in the moment. It's easy to get caught up in the business of the season and not to really look around and realize how beautiful the moments that you're living room are, and how beautiful the memories will be. Take that extra second to show your loved ones how much you appreciate them. And most of all, remember that if you're struggling to enjoy the holiday season: you are not alone.