I'm not a person who thinks of themselves as a bunch of faults, but I do see them. I feel too much and hurt myself because of that. It's horrible. I hate it. I can remember each and every time I had feelings, over thought it, and ended up hurting myself. I tend to overthink this stuff all the time.
I could tell you about all the embarrassing stories of my "love" life or I could tell you about one specific one with detail. I'm going to do the second one.
I was in high school. There was this guy. We became friends and a crushed formed. One of my least favorite things, honestly. I would rather run through a cement wall than have a crush on a friend. It simply isn't enjoyable for me. There I found myself. My heart would beat faster than normal each time I talked to him. All of his weird little quirks made me smile even when they frustrated me.
I tried to ignore it, but of course, I couldn't. I would see him every day. Each time I saw him, I wanted to punch myself. He was the last person I wanted to like because I cherished our friendship. I didn't want to ruin it with this dumb crush I had.
Of course, I told my best pals because who doesn't do that? They told me to go for it because the worst that could happen is hearing "no." That's exactly what I didn't want to hear. If I asked him out, and he said "no" I don't know what it would do to our friendship.
So, I kept it to myself. It killed me. It was annoying because the only reason I didn't say something was because I worry too much. I could've done it, but I was scared. I could've listened to my friends, but I didn't want to ruin anything. If I could back, I would.
If I wasn't so scared, life could be totally different now. As many people say, everything happens for a reason, and although I don't know if I believe it, I can't be hurt from a breakup with this guy. Our friendship was perfect the way it was.
I just hope this is how it was supposed to be. I hope I didn't mess up. I hope he feels like being friends is the right choice. Crushes are weird and I really don't like them. Regardless, I will always love love. I think it's beautiful. I don't want to get hurt though. I'm scared. Hopefully, I'll get over that one day. For now, I'll write about these dumb crushes that drive me crazy.