I have to start out by saying I can’t personally relate to any of this. I grew up with a family that was always together. No family is entirely perfect— mine sure as hell isn’t. There was lots of fighting when I was growing up, and my family didn’t have a ton of money. However, I didn’t want for much and I always had family and friends around me. To put the picture together everyone was together for Christmas happily enough, and the most bickering came from who got to play their new video game first.
I found through my twenty years of life so far, not everyone had it as easy.
What you’re likely expecting me to start saying is I’m sorry for the people who had it harder. I am, but I’m not about to dedicate this to them— rather the people around them who made someone feel the way they do.
I never expected to fall in love as easily as I did. Like I said, I’m only twenty. I had fairly newly moved to a new state when I met someone who had an entirely different life than I did. In fact, we’re so different I never thought we could bond over anything other than my love for his coffee making abilities, as strange as that may sound. But we did. We had an instantaneous connection, but it took much longer for him to open up than it did for me to.
So, I start the true beginning to my letter. I’m sorry to the people who missed out on how much someone has to offer.
Even though I wasn’t the first one to say “I love you” in the relationship, I truly believe I thought it first. I just never wanted to say it out of fear the person I loved needed more time. And I was probably right— had I said it when I first thought I might have scared him. I think he needed me to continue pulling back some layers to open it up.
I’m not personally good with people, so it took me a little bit to notice. It all first started when I bought him a Christmas present. If you couldn’t tell, I love Christmas. It’s a big family event for me and celebrated seriously within my own family. Everyone gets together and exchanges gifts like you hear about. I didn’t think it was an odd thought to get someone I care about a gift, family or not. So I did it.
I was excited to give it to him because I love any way to celebrate a holiday. I had thought long and hard about what to get him and was happy when I finally got to see him because he worked so much that week. When we finally met up I was confused as to why he seemed unsure about the present. After talking to him a little bit I found he wasn’t unhappy that I thought of him, but wondering why I thought of him that much at all, even though I go out of my way to see this man a few times a week at least.
I brushed it off at the time, but it went deeper than that.
When things got more serious between us he started to open up more and I brushed most occurrences off. You’d think from someone who goes out of his way to offer you money even when you don’t need it, plan your birthday a month in advance to make it special for you, and do anything to make you smile would know you’d do the same.
Wrong.
However, I’ve always done everything in my power to prove that I’d do anything I could because he’s loved. It seemed like he didn’t have that much. So, I’d like to say I feel sorry for the people who made him feel like that.
You never got to listen to him say he didn’t mind not getting his birthday off from work because too many people requested the week off already. It was just another day; it’s not like it was important. You didn’t get to feel the energy drain from your body upon hearing someone say nobody ever cared anyway, so it’s not as if he’d be missing much. I can’t personally understand how someone could think that, I’ve always said my birthday isn’t a National Holiday.
I couldn’t fix the work situation, but I feel sorry for what you missed next. I wanted to do something for his birthday on a later date, because even if we couldn’t celebrate it on the day we needed to celebrate the event itself. When he said he didn’t care I had to push. I cared— even if he didn’t, I wanted to celebrate the day he was born. I wanted to celebrate every little thing about him. It may be less than stellar we didn’t get to do it on the day itself, but we’d do it. I wanted to remind him how special he was to me. You missed the smile brighten his face at the thought of someone caring. Over a birthday.
You missed the insecurities. My boyfriend isn’t self conscious about much, and it took over a year for me to point it out. It wasn’t to make fun of him, but to say I thought it was silly. I understand insecurities. Not everyone is happy with themselves— I’m certainly not. However, you never got the chance to say his smile is the brightest thing you’ve seen. He doesn’t smile with his teeth that much because he smoked for a few years and it happened to show a little, but who could think he doesn’t look most beautiful when he’s grinning as much as he can? I’m upset with myself it took as long as it did for me to say it. Sometimes we forget we need to tell our men they're beautiful.
Whether it be family or past lovers, I want you to know you missed out. You weren’t there to see what a great man he is. You didn’t bring out the best, but you shaped the man I love. You placed the insecurities and doubts in his skin in the form of cuts and bruises which he saw as tainted spots the world would poke and prod at. I love him for all that he is, and I love even more I get to be here to watch him slowly heal.
I feel sorry you don’t get to see it.