I compare myself to others a lot. It's not healthy. I wish I didn't do it, but I do. Somehow, thoughts like, "She's so much prettier than me," "If I was as funny as them people would like me more," "If I was a more 'relatable' people might want to be better friends with me," but the worst one is "I'll never be as good as them."
These simple but powerful words hurt. These are the thoughts that put me down. I tend to tell myself I could be so much better. I hate it, but I'm working on it. I'm trying my best to believe in myself. I'm working hard to realize I am good enough.
I think a lot of this stems from my childhood. I have always been competitive, so I compared myself to others around me all the time. I always wanted to win in games. I wanted to be the one who looked at herself and finally saw I have talents, people actually do like me, I don't need to be "pretty" to win the approval of others, but I still feel that way.
I grew up around girls who were, as I say, better at life than I am.
They had boyfriends. They were always with their friends. They knew how to dress. I never felt that way. I didn't feel like I was good enough to be a part of daily life. Again, I'm working on that. I'm doing my best to realize it's okay to be who I am.
If I'm being honest with you, I love who I am. That does not mean I don't have days where I look at people around me and wish I was like them. There are still days I see how successful my peers are and wish I could be like them. There are still days I wish my disability didn't exist, but it makes me who I am and I actually love it.
There are days when I don't feel good enough, but thankfully, I have people who surround me and love me well. They see the good in me and they let me know. They tell me what I need to hear when I've been hard on myself. They look at me and they see something completely different.
Being good enough isn't important. As long as I see myself in a positive way, I don't care if I'm not worthy of other's approval. I don't need it in the long run. There may be days when I feel worthless and empty, but I know I'm harder on myself than I should be.
So, here's to right now. Here's to becoming confident and believing in myself. Here's to realizing how important I am. Here's to knowing I am good enough. I am important and I am needed in this world.