It takes an ultrasound to determine what your parents are expecting from you. Once they know what the sex of the baby is, they gather all the regulations and attire for the specific sex of the child. Each garment and toy is expected to flaunt the child as male or female. It is yelling to the world to stare down the child and label them with affirmations that fit their gender. As the child grows up, they accept the path that was constructed for them. Straying away from the opposite gender. This is how they spend their life and repeat the cycle with their own children. Only a few children, or at least it appears this way, feel that this path creates an internal bleeding that they are unable to stop.
The child with that sensation of internal bleeding in their body was actually me.
I would like to state that I underwent a pathway of confusion in my childhood and adolescence. Better said: I went through an abundance of pathways of complexity and misunderstandings of my role in my physical body. I was the abnormal child that opposed surrounding themselves with someone that resembled my physicality. I favored the activities my counterparts, my actual friends, took part in. I enjoyed the idea of being gentle, aware of my emotions and releasing them. I liked the craftiness they possessed in their clothing. This is where I saw the liberty of being human. I preferred the idea of not suffocating with my internal self.
All that I see in masculinity is horrific; it might even terrify those who are hyper about it. A hypermasculine fears being caught in the enactment of sensitivity, which is possibly what pushes them to emphasize their aggressive state. Ridiculing inferior men that demonstrate their emotions outwardly. The hypermasculine merely cares about competing, an exact structure that exists globally.
The job market, college admissions, anything we can think of is competitive. No one has the time to discuss their feelings, only to apologize when a tear drops from their eyes. We are stuck in the targeted areas of a volcano, once dormant, containing masculinity, that has been erupting with toxic masculinity. Pure unhealthiness.
Due to this, I would rather counter what I know masculinity to be. If masculinity means fearless, then I would like to be fearless in being emotionally visible, known for my gentleness, and renowned for the colors that cover my body. I want to be free of this human incarceration.