Well, let’s face it, we writers all have problems with that old plague (dare I speak the cursed name?), the one that creeps among all English majors’ fingertips, tangling the words up in their minds, putting a stop to any number of great literature classics that the world will never see! Yes, I’m afraid I must say it (please forgive me, oh muses, do not count it as a sin!). [Insert dramatic pause.] It is the cursed Writer’s Block of which I speak! And, horror of horrors, I seem to currently be rather possessed with this evil little demon. But do not worry! Never fear! I’ve decided to write about it so as to fend off any further attacks and to help you all become immune to this terrible pestilence!

Step 1: Suck it up and sit down.

Yup, there’s no nicer way to say it: you’ve just got to get yourself into that chair. I would suggest choosing a certain spot that you always go to to write. Then you’ll get yourself into a good habit and you’ll get your mind into that coveted writer’s mode eventually once you go there enough (trust me, this actually works!).

Step 2: Think.

It’s time to use that beautiful mind of yours, dear, and figure out a topic to write about. Maybe you’ll write a short story about your terrible, horrible 12-hour day working at that organic small-business coffee shop. Perhaps you’ll write a play in which you carefully and slowly ruin the life of the most obnoxious person you’ve ever met (ah, the writer’s revenge is sweet!). Or go ahead and write some angsty love poetry about how blue his eyes are (please just don’t say they’re like the sky!), or how lovely her hair look when she ties it up.

Step 3: Write.

I don’t care how you do it. Whether you pick up a pencil and beloved notebook, start up your high-tech laptop, dig your little sister’s colored chalk out of the mailbox and write it on the pavement, burn a piece of charcoal and inscribe it on tree bark, etc., it doesn’t matter to me how you go about it. It’s whatever works! And I’m terribly sorry but I simply cannot allow you to get up for snack breaks or Facebook breaks of any other sort of break! Write until you can’t feel your fingers. Until you can’t even properly hold a pencil. Until your fingers nothing but bloody, limp little stumps (OK, maybe don’t go that far).

Step 4: Edit.

Yeah, it’s got to happen at some point! Please don’t put this off and procrastinate. Yes, yes, at this point you may take a short break, I suppose, but don’t go away for too long! Go back and look it over as soon as possible. I would suggest first checking for grammar mistakes and then peeling it all apart sentence by sentence. Expand your characters, add more backstory, don’t leave a single plot loophole, make your story longer, chop off half of it and shorten it, change the whole thing into a poem or a play, but whatever you do, make sure it’s completely different from your first draft. Then, let your family, your close friends, that random hot dog vendor down the street read it -- send it to me even to look it over.

Step 5: Finish.

You’re done! Congrats! I actually just wrote this step because five steps sounds so much nicer than four steps. But good job if you’ve actually followed my instructions. I applaud your perseverance. Now go take a nice long break. Watch Netflix, go for a walk, take a nap and then, guess what, you get to go do it all over again! Ah, such is the life of a writer.