It all began a long time ago, because that's when I was born. I blame my parents because neither of them chose to pass on the gene that read, "Hey, I know how to interact with people!"
Instead, I was forever cursed with absolutely zero social intelligence.
If you were to meet me now, you may wonder at that statement. (I'm sure my friends do, although they tend to add on "Why does the word social have to be there?") Through many years of intense study, I have learned the basics of social etiquette and how to prepare myself accordingly to deal with people.
However, my infirmary looms greatest when encountering any sort of unforeseen situation. In these moments of crisis, all forethought flies straight out, rendering me a babbling, panicking, awkward buffoon.
To help others with similar problems, I have devised this test to deal with some of the most common problems encountered and offer a qualitative solution.
Situation #1:
Your friend comes up to you, tears welling up in his eyes, a look of utter despair across his face. Clearly, he's been through some emotional trauma and is looking to you for help. Do you:
A. Run.
B. Talk about the weather.
C. Try to liven him up with the one about the bartender and the philosopher.
D. See a mutual friend of yours, call him/her over, and smoothly scoot out of the room.
Situation #2:
A beautiful librarian with the most amazing smile you've ever seen is manning the front desk when you want to check out a book. Do you:
A. Run.
B. Avoid all eye-contact while muttering about knives when you check out the book.
C. Appear to be so into a conversation that you don't have time to interact with the beautiful librarian.
D. Find another exit. (An upper story window will suffice.)
Situation #3:
You have been invited over to a friends house/dorm/party/prison and discover there are more people there than your friend said there would be. Furthermore, the majority are strangers. Do you:
A. Run.
B. Ask your friend into the kitchen then proceed to beat him up.
C. Scream every time a new person tries to talk to you.
D. Play dead until the party is over.
All ready with your answers? Good!
In Situation #1, the correct answer is obviously C. While both A and B have merit, nothing can solve a heart's deepest emotional problems like the one about the bartender and the philosopher!
For Situation #2, the correct answer clearly D. Any other course of action, even A, may result in her noticing that you exist, which would lead to you falling in love with her, a love that would never be returned, and then the world would explode. Choose D.
Finally, Situation #3 may prove trickiest to solve, but in the end, A is the correct answer. B may prove the most tempting, but it should be avoided if possible. D is a distinct possibility, but only if all the exits are blocked.
Well, hopefully, you answered every situation correctly! If you didn't, now you are more fully prepared for the inevitable unforeseen circumstances that will come your way. Just remember: those without any social intelligence are people too. (You may as well remember because we're almost certain to forget!)