When asked which obstacle to the progress and prosperity of humankind is greatest, a person may put forth any number of answers. Nukes. Lack of nukes. Big government. Small government. Global warming. Global conspiracy.
Regardless of these dummy answers, there remains one creeping threat, one true hellraiser that is as mundane and invisible as it is lethal. For years it has infiltrated our society right under our noses—both metaphorically and literally—as we press it against our lips every morning. It is…
The mug.
Our world has become overrun by ugly mugs, and I'm not just talking about faces. They're everywhere—in our kitchens, living rooms, offices, schools, gardens, swimming pools, etc. And if we're not careful, we might just find ourselves in a Terminator-style post-apocalypse run by glassware perfect for holding hot beverages. An effective preventative plan has no fewer than these five steps:
1. Stop denying.
Mugs are of the Devil.
They are.
They are!
Good. Glad we're on the same page. They're fat, clunky, and can't even stack up straight—all they do is crowd your cupboards and wait to pounce when you're least expecting. It's a miracle we've survived as long as we have after inviting so many muggy murderers into our homes.
2. Just say no.
The best offense is a good defense, and the best defense is to forswear the use of mugs and drink hot coffee out of your hands. Mugs aren't worth the risk. When you end up drawing a red plaid mug out of a white elephant gift exchange? Throw it in the garbage. When the fifth place prize at your local pie-eating contest is a painstakingly hand-crafted mug? Punt it into the nearest lake. When your grandmother gives you a mug with the prayer of Jabez inscribed on it for your graduation? Smash it in front of her. No mugs mean no problems.
3. Seek professional help.
True, professional mug removal is expensive, but its value cannot be understated. Many victims of mug infestation commonly say things like, "This isn't a problem. I don't have too many mugs," or, "I can stop gathering mugs whenever I want," or, "Why are you in my house looking for mugs?" To which I say, "Don't you know that the fate of the planet rests on exterminating these monsters?" A professional Mug Extractor is equipped not only to help you recognize your mug addiction but also to move all your mugs to a secure location with the necessary tongs and hazmat suit to prevent any further harm.
On a related note, I am the only professional Mug Extractor in the world.
4. Survive.
If, in your hubris, you have ignored steps one through three, you might wake up one day to find mugs tickling your toes, mountains of mugs having swarmed every room in your house in search of fresh blood. In such a situation, there is no need for fear—there is only need for absolute, ineffable terror. To evade the mugs' bloodthirst, you must blend in with the mugs, perhaps assuming an enormous mug costume you had prepared for such an occasion. You must also seek to gather rations and camp quietly among the mugs until someone from the outside world can save you.
5. All-out warfare.
Take a baseball bat and demolish every mug in sight. Leave no survivors.
All this to say... I have a lot of mugs, and I'd like to get rid of them. Contact me if you'd like a free mug.
