A few things: first, I don’t have to tell you that depression affects 6.7 percent of the population, or 14.8 million American adults. I don’t have to tell you that though 80 percent of patients see improvement with treatment, two in three depression sufferers don’t actively seek out treatment. And I don’t have to tell you that depression is the cause of about two-thirds of the nearly 30,000 reported suicides in the United States. What I can tell you is that a stigma surrounds depression, even now, and even though one in eight adolescents suffers from major depression, nobody wants to talk about it, and I understand why.

Depression sucks. It does. It takes everything away from you, from your motivation to your passion to your basic instinct to survive. What’s even harder is living in a world where John Greens in shining armor write stories of depressed young people who are “saved” by the arrival in their lives of "The One." This is a farce. Yeah, having a “special someone” in your life can be helpful when you’re depressed, but it’s not an end-all, be-all, because no matter how much you love and care for somebody, you can’t be the one to fix them. That’s just how it works.

If you love someone with depression, you know this. What you might not know, though, and what’s often most difficult, is how to love someone who has depression, because there are (seemingly) so many things that come with it. I’ve found that often to the un-depressed, depression looks like a deep, heavy sadness, and yeah, that’s part of it. But it’s often more than that, and if you choose to navigate the dark waters of depression with your partner, there are a few things you should know.

First, a “tough love” approach won’t work, no matter how hard you try, or how much you think it will. Forcing a depressed person to go out, to break out of their fog, will only make them resent you, I promise. It’s absolutely a good idea to encourage your partner to get out of the house and return to doing the things they love, but doing it in a harsh way, or making it seem like a punishment, can drive your partner further away. Patience is vital here. Additionally, it becomes like instinct to push other people away when you’re depressed, because depression has this awful tendency to make you feel like you’re a burden on everyone else. Sometimes, you just have to let this happen — it often has to get worse before it gets better. Remind your partner that they aren’t a burden, and help them come to the same conclusion themselves.

Second, there are better things to say than “you’ll be okay” or “it gets better,” because a depressed person’s brain doesn’t work like that. Depression tricks your brain into thinking it’s not going to be okay, and that things aren’t going to get better, and these words sound incredibly empty when faced with the vast, daunting void of depression. Instead, tell them you’ll be there, and ask what you can do. Even if the answer is “nothing,” your partner will appreciate that you asked all the same, I promise. Sometimes, juts knowing that someone is there for you is an unbelievable comfort. Even if this doesn’t “cure” your partner, every little effort helps. Also, doing little things to show your partner that you care (think small tokens of love, even if they’re cliché — who doesn’t like getting flowers or candy?) go a long way to make your partner feel better, even if it’s just a little.

Third, encourage them to get help, but do it gently. Let them know that you’ll be there whether they seek help or not. Believe it or not, it’s pretty difficult for a depressed person to seek out help, because that’s the nature of depression. It’s so, so important for you to be there emotionally. Mutual support is a tenet of a strong relationship, and it’s even more important when your partner is depressed.

Lastly, it’s okay to get frustrated. It’s okay to hate your partner’s depression, and it’s okay to hate seeing them suffer, because in the end, they’re someone you love, and you want them to be happy. You want them to thrive. But remember that with patience comes reward. Any relationship is difficult, and any relationship has obstacles. When you’re with a depressed person — this doesn’t change. The little quirks and bumps in the road are just different.

Always know, though, that we love you too, and that our illness doesn’t make us love you any less.