Let's cut to the chase: sometimes you just don't feel like arguing about politics anymore, because holy shit you're tired of doing that every. freaking. day. Especially during election season. Especially during this election season. So today, I'm going to teach you the best, most entertaining ways to get out of engaging in productive conversation about the issues.

Now, far be it from me to malign discourse – I think there is no nobler pursuit than politely debating the relevant issues of today with people whose opinions you do not share. Much can be achieved in such discussions: friends made, people won over, positions changed. But, sometimes, don't you just... not feel like bothering with it? Well, here's some funny shit to say when that happens. Probably don't use these with people you care about.

1. They say: "It's imperialist for 'United Statesians' to call themselves "Americans" – it implies they own both the continents."

You say: "Well, does your country have the word 'America' in its name? No? Get back to me when it does."

2. They say: "I think abortion is murder."

You say: "Sure, but, like, do you realize how much babies suck? They're big dumb idiots who poop themselves. If anyone's gonna be murdered, I'm glad it's them. They don't even pay taxes."

(I offer you bonus points if you go the Modest Proposal route: "To be frank, I just think it's really wasteful. After all, we say hunters should eat what they kill! So yeah, I'm totally with you.")

3. They say: "There is no way we evolved from monkeys. I refuse to believe such an insulting, degrading proposition."

You say: "Completely agree. I, for one, happen to believe we are descendants of birds and – some day soon – we shall again ascend into the heavens which are our birthright and ancestral home."

4. They say: "Obamacare is awful, but single payer would be even worse."

You say: "All I know is that I absolutely refuse to support any healthcare plan that doesn't bring back the death panels."

5. They say: "Alcohol is so much worse for you than weed, but somehow booze is legal!"

You say: "Which is exactly why we need to bring back prohibition. Alcohol is a blight on society that must be purged with fire."

6. They say: "We should repeal the 2nd amendment."

You say: "Is that the one guaranteeing my right as a red-blooded American to pee in public when I'm wasted?"

(If they respond with "That's not a right," just piss yourself to assert your constitutional freedoms. They'll probably leave you alone after that.)

7. They say: "Voting is an obligation"

You say: "Actually, according to the free rider problem, it's irrational for any one individual to vote."

That last one is technically true, but do please vote. Or don't. The cost-benefit analysis says you shouldn't, but some snarky asshole on the internet thinks you should, so weigh that as you will.