We’ve all been there. Your phone buzzes, you check the notification, and there it is: the persistent, unrelenting Annoying Person texting you. Again. Will they ever give up? How do you stop this? These tips will (hopefully) help you rid your life of those Annoying Person texts for good.
Although we can refer to these persistent pests as one generalized group of Annoying People, they can be split into subgroups determined by (a) the type of Annoying Person they are, and (b) their degree of Annoyingness. Depending on the type and degree, all Annoying People should be dealt with differently. Scroll down to select the correct type and degree for your particular Annoying Person, and act accordingly.
Type A: Frat Guy with No Self-Awareness
Degree: Extreme
No matter how cold you are to him and regardless of how obvious it is that you don’t want to associate with him, your phone continues to light up at 2:37 a.m. with some variation of “sup?” visible across the screen from none other than FGwNSA (Frat Guy with No Self-Awareness). You’ve tried not responding, you’ve tried telling him you’re in a relationship, you’ve even tried being honest and telling him that you’re not interested. Where do you turn? With this one, you have a few viable options:
1. Tell him you have some sort of incurable STD. This will drive him away pretty quickly, since he probably doesn’t recognize that you’re an actual human with other attributes other than your genitalia.
2. Tell him you’re moving to somewhere that would require him to drive over six hours in order to get to you or to take a plane.
3. Just block his number. This is probably the easiest and most sensible way, especially if he’s getting scarily persistent.
Type B: Great Aunt Who Just Got a Smartphone
Degree: Moderate
Your Great Aunt Millie just got upgraded to her first (and let’s be honest… probably last) iPhone. At your 8 a.m. class you receive a text from her: “He lp”. Trying to stay calm, you casually slip out to the hall and call her. She answers in her raspy smokers’ voice, “Heeeello?” You quickly and worriedly ask her what’s wrong, to which she responds “How do I send a text to Uncle Rick if his number isn’t programmed into my phone?” Too many similar instances have occurred. How do you stop it?
1. Tell her your phone only receives texts between 11 a.m. and 2 p.m. This way, you can mentally prepare yourself to deal with her between those set hours.
2. Tell her your phone doesn’t receive texts as quickly as your brother’s, and she should always try texting him first.
3. Just give her back her dumb phone. At least she lived in the '60s. We have advanced forms of technology, she had Woodstock. Fair trade, right?
Type C: Coworker with No Sense of Boundaries
Degree: Mild
At first you thought they were just naturally overenthusiastic and friendly, but that was before the 11 p.m. texts about how they just had diarrhea and the bathroom stinks so badly that their boyfriend can’t use it. This is a more difficult situation, because you want to preserve a cordial relationship so that things don’t become awkward at work. So how do you keep these texts to a minimum?
1. Use very short responses that are almost impossible to respond back to, e.g. “Haha” or some type of smiley emoji. Hopefully their pride will prevent them from trying to continue the conversation.
2. Make up really weird stories about yourself so that they’ll shy away from you and move on to another coworker. This only works if you’re willing to put your dignity aside.
3. Quit. Sometimes, this is the only way.
If these tips don’t work for you, then fake your death.
Here’s to an annoying person text-free autumn.
