This article is not to say that what anyone believes in is wrong. It is simply the story of my own personal struggle surrounding my Great Grandmother’s death. I hope to help anyone who can relate.
I struggle with death. I know we all do – nobody likes it – but I especially struggle with it because of my inability to wrap my head around it.
Everyone always says that our deceased friends and family are “still with us.” When my Great Grandma passed away in 2014, I tried as hard as I possibly could to believe that she was in fact “still with me.” I tried to speak to her and I even wrote her a few letters, only to find myself disappointed when I received no answers or signs in return.
My next attempt to prove to myself that she was “still with me” was putting myself on the wait list for Theresa Caputo – The Long Island Medium. I became a huge fan of hers. I truly believed that she was able to convey the messages that our deceased relatives were trying to send us from the other side.
My mom and I went to a few of her live shows and before every show I told my Grandma to please come forward, to give me some sign that she was “still with me,” but every single time I was let down. So as time went by, I stopped trying to show myself that she was “still with me.” I stopped talking to her. I stopped writing to her. I stopped obsessing over the fact that there was someone who could talk to dead people. I gave up on the thought of her still being here. After all, I saw her dead body. I saw every part of her that made her a human being shut down – how could she possibly “still be with me?”
As I was fortunate enough to have several life changing experiences, like studying abroad and visiting Israel, I began to recognize the err of my ways. I was misinterpreting the meaning of “still with me,” and I will now stop putting quotes around it because it is no longer a figure of speech
No, my Great Grandma is no longer here to have conversations with me or to answer my phone calls, but she is still with me in the things that she left behind. Part of the person that I am is because I knew her. Had I not had the pleasure of having her in my life I would not have the same appreciation for Jewish holidays.
Had my Dad not grown up with her in his life he would not have the same outlook that he does – which is living life to the fullest. Had my mom never known her she would have never learned that blood does not make someone family, but rather that love and comfort does. Had she not raised my Grandma the way she did, I would probably not be nearly as close with her as I am.
Part of who we are is because we knew her. Part of who I am is because I knew her and because I know the people who knew her. She may not still be physically with me, but she is forever and always going to be with me.