How To Be A Viking

How To Be A Viking

An epic guide to becoming a Norse warrior

Tired of being a common loser who is identically similar to everyone else in your society? Ever wish you were an epic warrior of unimaginable proportions?

Well, then you’ve stumbled upon the right article. By simply following the suggestions offered to you here, you’ll be able to become an outstanding Viking warrior in no time. Your parents may finally be proud of something you’ve accomplished and you might even impress that attractive crush of yours.

Obviously, I am just kidding. I cannot promise you any of that. But, who knows? Your crush might be into Viking cosplayers. Not all hope is lost, so, stick around!

In order to be a Viking warrior you must first look like one. So, make sure to acquire some colorful garments, an iron helmet, boots, a shield and-of course- a sword. You can’t go around raiding British monasteries without a sword, that’d be silly. By the way, your helmets need not have foolish horns on them. That style was popularized by inaccurate cinematography and it’s best for you to stray away from it.

To fabricate your boots use the best goatskin that is available to you. (I know this one butcher who has the best stuff around, you should contact him.) If you’re rich enough, buy yourself some armbands and look just like the other distinguished members of the Viking community. Also, never forget to keep yourself well groomed. Just because you’re a gory warrior it does not mean that you walk around covered in your enemies’ blood. Vikings love cleanliness, so make sure to shower once a week. Saturdays are the preferred days for you to do so. On such days you may also get your hair and beard braided in the trendiest fashions.

If you’re a woman and still wish to be a warrior there’s no need to worry. Viking women were allowed to go on explorations and also had plenty of rights, compared to other women of their time that is. For instance, if your husband is gone exploring you’ll be in charge of the household and of the slaves. You can even divorce your husband if you want to. If you’re like other Viking women, who are tired of having their men show off too much of his chest hair, you can simply divorce and leave that beast you call a husband. Good thing you’re not an Athenian lady, right?

For fun, Vikings enjoy trading insults with one another. Never again worry about offending that friend of yours who you’ve known for a while. Simply call out on all of their flaws and laugh at their shortcomings without any fear of ending your friendship. Another outrageously fun activity Vikings engaged in was raiding British monasteries. There’s something about murdering harmless monks that is thrillingly amusing and you won’t be a true Viking warrior unless you make this one of your favorite pastimes.

Lastly, if you’re planning on dying soon- or generally planning to die at some point- have someone cremate you in your ship along with your most treasured possessions, including your mighty sword, precious jewelry and your favorite slave girl.

That is all! Hopefully this will make you a great Viking Warrior. Most likely not though.

Cover Image Credit: Flickr

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