In light of the absolute debauchery in the world of politics these past few weeks, I’d like to present the seven steps to becoming this great nation’s commander-in-chief. With this information, I would like to implore you all to take it to heart, and if you’re over 35, please announce your candidacy immediately. You can’t possibly make anything worse than it already is.
Step 1: Be Louder Than Everyone- If someone is trying to find flaws in your arguments, or, heaven forbid is about to prove you wrong, just yell over them. Don’t allow other people to speak, and you’ll always be right. It’s very simple.
Step 2: Have Your Insults Ready- Fairly similar to step 1, if someone is about to prove you wrong, insult them. Insult their family, insult their hair. In a Presidential campaign, almost nothing is off-limits. Except any and all insults directed at you, your family, or your hair.
Step 3: Generalize, Generalize, Generalize- Find a group of people, preferably a group that has nothing to do with you and that you know literally nothing about, and generalize the heck out of them. If you do it enough, eventually people will start to agree with you because they’re just as ignorant as you, and those are the people you want supporting you.
Step 4: Lie- You’re a politician, or at least a businessman who thinks they know politics, so you can lie about and change your stance on anything. It’s not like you’re the Pope, lying is okay sometimes. Besides, you’re running for President, it’s not like any of those guys never told a lie. No one will ever know, right?
Step 5: Deny lying- Well, they caught you in a lie. So, what else can you do but lie again and entangle yourself in a web of lies more intricate than the Texas Board of Education’s attempt to take slavery out of the Civil War. Now nothing can touch you, because everyone is preoccupied trying to figure out your convoluted opinions.
Step 6: Call Everyone Else a Liar- So some two-bit journalist thinks they have you in your web of lies, so what? Just call THEM a liar and discredit them completely. That should work out fine, unless you’re being interviewed by Anderson Cooper. Anyone else is fair game. And don’t worry about the number of journalists you call out, the more you discredit the more they’ll be too afraid to interview you, and then you can really say whatever you want.
Step 7: Freestyle- No, not freestyle rap, chances are, if you’ve gotten this far you’re too white for that. But don’t use a teleprompter, ever. Just take your speechwriter’s notecards and use them to wipe away your opponents tears because you’ve got this. You’re a great speech-giver, you have the best words. No matter what you say, people seem to like and rally behind it anyway. In the words of Shia LaBeouf, in what may be a Nike copy write infringement; Just Do It.
