I remember the day my maternal grandmother passed away like it was yesterday, even though it was a warm May afternoon in 2012. I was in the seventh grade and was upstairs doing my homework when I heard a shriek come from my mother downstairs. I immediately ran to my sister's room, telling her that something has to really be wrong and we both proceeded to run downstairs as fast as we humanly could. And then it was as if time stood still when I saw the pain in my mother's eyes when she broke the news that her mother and my grandmother had just passed away

I stood still feeling as if I became further rooted in the ground, yet at the same time about to collapse at any second. I turned around and stared at a family portrait in the wall, looking into her puffy cheeks raised when she smiles, her love for color-coordinating her outfits, and just how happy she looked to be with her kids and grandkids. I looked at that picture and for a moment all the pain disappeared and it was as if she was looking at me and telling me that its okay and that she will forever be with me. And in the blink of an eye, I was snapped back into reality and the pain hit and as I looked around the room one thought never left my mind, "Why am I the only person not crying right now?" It was as if the pain I was experiencing couldn't be shown or expressed and it looked as if I was some empty human being with no feelings, but in reality, the shock I was going through hadn't settled and I was in fact just plain numb.

In the coming days and weeks, my life was rattled, my mother left immediately to go to India to attend my grandmothers funeral as well as family matters, my father had just moved across the country and didn't live with us during the week, and my 21-year-old sister had just come back from college and seemingly became my new mother. As a 13-year-old, this was so much to go through, I was finishing my seventh grade, preparing for a cross-country move from Boston to Arizona, and now my mother was across the world and I had just lost one of the most important people in my life.

It felt like my world was shattered yet at the same time I still had to wake up, go to school, study, do homework, and pretend as if nothing had happened. And that is when I mastered the act of pretending, pretending that I am okay, pretending that everything is fine, and pretending like not much is going on in my life. It was this act of pretending or what one of my high school teachers so aptly put it as, "fake it til you make it," that got me through that school year and summer. I did one of the worst things someone grieving could do, I suppressed all my feelings and pretended that it was all okay.

It took one July night, about two months after her death for it to hit me, I was alone in my bed just thinking and reflecting about my life, when every emotion I could feel overwhelmed my heart, mind, body, and soul, and I just sobbed for a good 1-2 hours in my bed. I cried about everything, everyone, and every emotion spilled out of my body faster than I could speak or even breathe. But, it was this moment where I felt free. I was free of the chains that I placed on myself, I was free to feel and experience the pain I had undergone, and I was free to be a human again, and not just a robot pretending to be fine.

That moment was one I have never told anyone about since it meant so much and was so powerful to me. I can say confidently that to this day the loss of my grandmother has never felt real. Yes, it has been six years, but time has helped me to heal my wounds and smile like the proud granddaughter I am every time that I close my eyes and see her smile, every time I feel her with me, and every time that I think of her. I know she would be proud of me for speaking out about what I went through, and I know that I am proud to be her granddaughter.

It took talking with one of my best friends for me to relive all of these emotions and decide that it was time to write about my experience. Losing a grandparent, or any loved one for that matter, shakes you to your core, but it is through these tough times that you come out a stronger and more resilient person. I firmly believe that in the times of tragedy, a whole new person is unleashed inside of you, and it is up to you to take this new strength and vulnerability and use it to succeed in everything that you do.