Recovery is tricky—there’s no doubt about it. Traversing it can be just so much fun, with all sorts of obstacles to jump over. One of those super duper lovely obstacles are the words of those around us (whoever says “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is so gonna love this article..).

For those of us with eating disorders, our minds tend to either take what you say and run with it in a dangerous direction, reading way further into what you said then you probably intended, or we hear something completely different from what you actually said.

Woohoo! Gotta love it. So here are a few things you might to completely and totally avoid saying to someone with an eating disorder (OK, there is no might):

1. “Just eat! Why can’t you just eat??”

We wish we could “just eat,” that eating for us was as simple as it is for most people. But for us, it comes with overwhelming feelings of anxiety, guilt, grossness, and often a lack of control.

2. "Wow, you’ve gained so much weight! You look so good!”

This may seem like a compliment to you, since gaining weight can be a part of our recovery. For me, I battle anorexia, so the weight gain was a relief for those around me. It should be a compliment or encouragement, then, to hear the reaffirmation of the physical progress we’ve made, right? Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Our minds take that and RUN:

Am I big? I knew I looked fat, I knew it.

Maybe I’ll just cut back a little. I can work out a little longer, too.

If these people are saying I look good, why do I still have to gain a few pounds? I should probably stop gaining now.

3. “Geez, I wish I could have your control and discipline.”

Trust me, no you don’t. Want to know why? Because that “control,” that “discipline,” is a manifestation of the mental illness that rules our lives. We don’t have control, we have obsessions, irrational needs/desires, endless thoughts that drive us to always workout out, to be rigid in what we eat. We are burdened by the monster in our minds, the voice that lies to us, who demeans us, who tortures us. Trust me, you don’t want this “control.”

4. “You should show me how to lose so much weight!”

OK, really? Come on, now, it should be common sense not to say something like this to a person with an eating disorder ... Obviously, I could give “advice,” but that takes me down a dangerous path, sending me backward, away from recovery. Yes, I could tell you the calorie count of a ridiculous number of foods, or tell you the highest calorie-burning workouts, but that’s because of my obsession, because of my illness. Not because I am an expert who should dole out advice.

5. “You always eat so healthy.” Or “She won’t eat that.”

These might seem like harmless comments, but the setting in which they are typically said—when eating—is already full of stress. I already feel like people are judging what I eat, or more often, what I don’t eat. I may tend to go for the salad or the grilled chicken every time, yes, but that’s not because I am just such a healthy person.

No, it’s because the thought of eating anything else, or eating anything at all, causes my heart to race, my chest to tighten, and my mind to spin endlessly with fearful thoughts.

Especially hurtful can be when someone says I won’t eat something without even asking me. For instance, when people are having cookies or donuts or something, more often than not people won’t even offer me one, or if they do, someone else will comment that I won’t eat it anyway.

Who knows, maybe I can that day, maybe I can’t, but saying/doing those sorts of things is hurtful either way. It makes me feel ashamed, makes me feel weak and embarrassed.

Am I not really doing as well as I thought in recovery?

Am I not challenging myself enough?

I should be better, should be further along like those other people I see in the recovery.

Why am I not strong enough?

6. “Are you really going to eat all that?”

Don’t. Just don’t.

7. “Oh I struggle with an eating disorder for a few months too; I totally understand!”

This one is hard because it tends to come from a place of misunderstanding, of not really knowing what an eating disorder truly is. It’s a mental illness that doesn’t just “go away” after a few months. So without meaning to, people often diminish the severity of an eating disorder by equating the two circumstances.

Like I said, though, this is usually unintentional! That being said, even those of us who struggle can’t say that we know what another person suffering from an eating disorder is truly going through. Sure, we may have similarities, but each is fighting their own personal demon, perfectly catered to their insecurities, to their vulnerabilities. The best any of us can do is offer support, offer validation of another’s suffering, and to love each other.

8.“You have such a good life. I don’t get how you could be struggling. So many other people have it a lot worse.”

Again, this is a tough one, because it stems from a lack of understanding.

Personally, I grew up in an amazing family who loved me, supported me, and guided me, and I was blessed with academic talent and athletic ability.

So why on earth do I struggle?

Because that’s the nature of the beast—it’s a mixture of nature and nurture, of genetics and circumstance. There are so so so many things that can go into the development of an eating disorder, such as depression or anxiety mixed traumatic events or a hard home life, but there is no set cause and effect sequence that an eating disorder has to follow.

We struggle with this, too.

Why me?

I really shouldn’t be complaining, other people have it so much worse than me. I’m fine. I need to stop being so selfish.

Why do I have to suffer like this?

Why can’t I be normal?

Most of all, this is a learned thing. You will slip up in what you say, we will be too sensitive or over-analyze what you said, and so on and so forth. The most important thing is to be compassionate--you with us, with our illnesses, and us with you, with your attempts to help and support us in recovery.

In the end, that's what matters: a life lived with others, filled with love and relationship, and of course, recovery.