Well, boys, girls, men, women, everything else on the wide spectrum that is human or otherwise, it’s that time of year again, and, let’s face it, it’s been a long time coming. The year of 2016 is just about to come to an end, and after many stressful, painstaking hours of tragedies and disappointments, we could all use a little jingle in our bells. A little rocking around the Christmas tree. A little stuffing in our stockings. We could all use a little Christmas cheer. And that is why, my fellow peoples, it's about time we learn how to make America (and wherever else celebrates Christmas(but I’m American, so mainly America)) jingle again.

Now, as usual, I know what you’re thinking:

YOU: But, Justice, I’ve forgotten to get back into the Christmas spirit!

There’s no need to fear little Grinchy poos! I remember how to revive the Christmas spirit from your lifeless, jolly depleted bodies!

Step 1: Let’s get this one thing straight

Santa Claus. Is. Effing. Real. Don’t let your butt nozzles of 5th grade pals tell you different! Ol’ Saint Nick has been watching you in your sleep, and you better hope you’ve been a good boy or girl or whatever you are on the wide spectrum that is human or otherwise! We forget that Santa keeps an eye on us, AND that he keeps a Naughty and Nice list. If you don’t know if you’ve been Naughty or Nice, please refer to the table below:

Naughty/Nice Test	Nice	Naughty
Have You Been a Dick?	NO	YES

Now that you know if you’ve been naughty or nice! We can now discover what it is you can expect for Christmas! And to the naughty kids: If you save up your coal long enough, maybe it will turn into a diamond. If you ain’t got time for that, use it for the fun Spring barbeques for the friends you HAVEN’T been a dick to!

Step 2: Decorations!

No house, apartment, street corner, or alleyway has been complete without some form of Christmas decorations for all to see! Get out that large inflatable Santa and put him in your front yard! Don’t worry if it’s a few years old, falling apart, and scares the kids across the street! (They are probably scared because they’ve been dicks all year.)

Dig out that Rudolph figurine that got shot by a random hunter one crazy drunken night and now has a bullet stuck in it’s eye socket! (Even if it wasn’t really a hunter and it was you looking for the guy your wife’s been cheating on you with and you told your kids it was a hunter so they don’t know about your crumbling marraige.) If you work on a street corner most nights, steal an OPEN sign from a bar and hang it on your corner! Nothing says Christmas like late night hanky pank for 50 bucks a pop! And if you live in an alleyway...well...go to a church. I’m sure they have SOMETHING.

Step 3: Buy Gifts

Santa sure is a busy guy, so you folks ought to help him out! Find something your family members might want or need and put some serious thought into it! Remember when you caught your son playing with his little elf? Buy him a laptop and get wifi! He’ll know what to do! Remember when you caught your Dad smoking that joint in the car and he was scared and thought you didn’t notice, but you did? Weed is gonna be legal soon! Buy him a pipe! (Preferably just like Santa’s. Delivering presents all around the world in one night is a hard job!) Remember when your Uncle told you to sit on his lap and you asked what that was poking you and he said, “Oh, that’s just a candy cane.”? Buy him some handcuffs because he’s a creeper and needs to go to jail! (Unless he proved it actually was a candy cane, in which case, buy him a box of candy canes to carry around!(In his pocket!))

Step 4: Have Dinner With Friends and Family

I know Thanksgiving was just last month, but with the presidential election now fully absorbed by the nation, maybe you can talk about less controversial subjects! Like how your alcoholic cousin is now one year sober, or how grandma finally lost that old person weight, or how you managed to party all semester AND pass all your classes! A positive Christmas is the ONLY Christmas in my book!

Step 5: Do Christmas Things

Watch Home Alone! And the less good, but otherwise still a classic, sequel! Listen to those annoying carolers sing at your doorstep even though you begged them to leave! Go on a walk through the snow filled park with your friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, mom, dad, brother, uncle (without candy canes) and have meaningful conversations about life and what makes you happy! Christmas is a time for cheer and relaxation and getting fat in front of a fire (or more likely heater) and just enjoying the company you have and the people you’re with!If this year has taught us anything about anything, it’s that none of us are here forever, bad things happen, and we need to take every moment and cherish it, because we never know what might happen to the ones we love and care about. Hug your fathers. Hug your mothers. Let your grandma squeeze your cheeks a little too hard. Say “I love you.” (Tell your uncle there are lots of candy canes in prison.)

Just take this time to breathe and recollect yourself and start thinking about who you want to be for the rest of your life and make a plan on how to work towards that image. Just be jolly. Just appreciate what you have. Just have a Merry Christmas and a very very Happy New Year. (and Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and whatever other holidays happen around this time (just pretend every time I said Christmas was whatever holiday you celebrate. Yes, Santa is still real.))