As most of you have read, you know my story. Yes, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, but the real story comes from what happens after. I realized that the hardest part comes from actually getting out of it.

That's where it began. After leaving the relationship, I was no longer enrolled in college, I was 30 pounds lighter from not eating, I couldn't sleep more than two hours at a time, and I was a nervous wreck.

"I realized that the hardest part comes from actually getting out of it."

But that's the story you don't hear. It is easy to think that once you leave a bad relationship it is like a weight is lifted off your shoulders and you are finally free, but it isn't. After just one day, I was sobbing continuously. Everything made me cry and I felt like I had just screwed up.

I felt as if I made a big mistake because I was so miserable. Now, my life was turned upside down and I was no longer on the track to graduate in 2018. Instead, I was at home, heartbroken, and crying into my pillows.

Recovery is the hardest thing I have ever done. Not only was I crying, but I had to re-teach myself so many simple things. For one, I had to learn how to trust again. In a moment, my trust was stripped away from me and I never thought I would trust the same again.

"I felt as if I made a big mistake because I was so miserable."

First, I had to trust my family and friends. I know that sounds so weird, but I was constantly told that my family and friends were not trustworthy. I didn't realize it, but hearing those lies every single day etches into the subconscious. I had to remember the love they had for me and the support they gave me when I needed to get out of my relationship.

Next, I had to learn how to love myself again. I stopped eating on and off, but I stopped for three days while in the worst part of it all. My body didn't look the same and I couldn't recognize myself. Then, I did the best thing I could ever do. I purged everything.

I threw away every photo or memento that would remind me of anything negative. I had a huge box of things that I tossed away, including clothes and jewelry, and it felt amazing. I finally ate an entire meal that night. It was delicious.

"My body didn't look the same and I couldn't recognize myself."

Over the course of my recovery journey, I had several setbacks. I currently take anxiety medication, but after coming home and having PTSD run rampant I had to increase my dosage. My heart sank as my doctor said it would be the best idea since I couldn't go a few moments without panicking.

Then, I was in and out of different offices for weeks. I attended therapy, lawyer consultations, and appointments to make sure I was okay. Over and over I told the story to different strangers as my family waited out in the lobby for my teary-eyed self to come waddling back out.

I was tired for many reasons. I was tired of not sleeping. I was tired of telling everyone the same story. I was so tired of everyone apologizing to me. Then the worst stage came, I was guilty.

"My heart sank as my doctor said it would be the best idea since I couldn't go a few moments without panicking."

I felt heavy guilt for putting my family through everything. Next, I felt guilty about not recognizing it sooner. Then, I was guilty about my parents having to give up so much to get me back on my feet. Also, I felt guilty for leaving the relationship.

I felt as if I hurt so many people in the process and I wasn't worth anything. I fell into a dark state of emptiness. But God always listens to us, even in our highest moments, which I was far from.

I shut my eyes and I prayed for God to just push me. I knew that he got me out of this in the first place, but I couldn't find Him now that I was recovering. I was in pain and I was angry at everyone that hurt me. My prayer turned from "help me" to "you need to explain."

"Also, I felt guilty for leaving the relationship."

God never has to explain. Instead, He pushed. I gathered up enough of that strength and got a job. I started earning money for myself. I bought my very first, brand new car and I got my sweet guinea pigs.

A little while had passed and I fell in love again, but this time it was different. This guy was encouraging me to go for my dreams and to love myself too. I drove back from our first date in tears because I realized what I had been missing.

It hit me that I was so lucky to be living a life where I am able to make my own decisions. I wasn't being controlled or yelled at. Finally, I was happy and I deserved every second of that. Don't get me wrong, I fight my recovery every day. I am always in a battle with my happiness, but recovery is just my stepping stone to a healthy life.

Cry, scream, get angry, feel every emotion that comes along with emotional abuse. Let it all come out, but then pick yourself back up and fight for yourself because they never would've.

"God never has to explain. Instead, He pushed."