It may just be that I am recovering from having the flu, or it may just be that I am so overwhelmed with stress studying for my midterms, but recently, I have not been feeling like my usual self at all. I don't feel like interacting socially with anyone unless they're right in front of me. I've been inactive on all my social media (which included losing my snap chat streaks, some that were well over 100 days) and I feel so dismal and vanquished to the point where I had to tell my close friends; "If you don't get a message or a call back from me, please don't get mad. I'm going through a really tough time emotionally right now, and I have no idea why I'm feeling this way." In that moment when I was sending those messages out to the people I cared about, I irrationally worried that the people I love would be angry at me, and that they wouldn't understand. I received messages of concern back telling me not to worry about it. Those words of understanding had so much meaning to me that I cried tears of relief, and I came to an epiphany through my tears.

I realized that tend to put others way before myself. That is not a bad quality at all, but it can be a bit of a double edged sword; good and bad consequences can emerge from it.

So in these past couple weeks, I had to force myself to care about myself first. I had to force myself because I was so burned out that I feared for my own physical and mental health. I feared that I would slip back into old negative habits that over the years I slowly and surely grew out of. For some people, it is so easy for them to say "I need to take some well deserved time for myself", and those kinds of people I envy so intensely.

I feel deeply. I am not ashamed of that. I am so emotionally compassionate to many aspects of my life, whether it be the political battles I continue to fight for other people who have feel like they have been violated, being there for my friends who desperately need someone to hold them while they cry, or even my studies in English Writing. Everything I do, I do it with an passion. I never do anything just because it is convenient, right, or I was 'assigned' to do it. I do it because I am emotionally invested in every action. I love helping, inspiring and teaching others. It is who I am. However, being emotionally invested, although it is beautiful, can also be a bit of a curse. It can make you exhausted and frustrated, and most of the time, it leaves me feeling like I could of done more. That I could of changed the outcome if I just put a little bit more effort. I overthink way too much, and that is my biggest downfall.

These past few weeks I had to force myself to slow my rapidly revolving life. I stopped checking my social media, I stopped checking my messages, I stopped worrying if other people needed me. Most of time, we forget to take care of the most important person in our lives; ourselves.

I think to myself sometimes that may seem selfish, and it goes against everything I feel. I learned though, that sometimes, its okay to be selfish. It's okay to want to put yourself first, and make yourself the best person you can be, so you can ultimately help people more efficiently than you ever have before.

One of the most important realizations that I made is that it's okay to not be perfect. It's okay to be behind on daily tasks. That's not only okay, but normal, healthy even. I'm not ashamed anymore to admit that I'm struggling. Life is a struggle. Admitting this to myself just means I'm taking care of myself (physically and emotionally), finally putting myself first and doing the best that I can. That's what really matters. I'm preventing myself from sinking too deep, and if others can't understand that or accept that, that's okay. I know that now.

It's okay because I have to put myself first.

"Putting yourself first doesn't mean you don't care about others. It means you're smart enough to know you can't help others unless you help yourself first." - Unknown