Bundled up in my roommate’s deliciously cozy down jacket, I’m surrounded by new friends as we overlook the Puget Sound in a drafty wooden lodge during a weekend-long university retreat. The chatter begins to die down as we start to dissect another reflection question: what do we cherish and value most in our relationships?

As we discern our pathways towards healthy, life-giving relationships and reflect upon our involvement in the lives of people we love, it is important to understand what we value and how it shapes who we are. Understanding what we cherish most deeply helps us recognize what makes us feel loved and connected to those around us.

Step 1: Pick 10 words that resonate with you from a long page of virtues and qualities.

Words like security, curiosity, wisdom, honesty, diversity, loyalty, faith, wealth, community, and flexibility are all listed on a page of our notebook. There were dozens more to choose from, but I quickly chose my top ten (not necessarily those listed above!) and patiently waited for the next step.

Step 2: From those 10, eliminate five.

This was one of the hardest steps for me. I had both “Romance” and “Love” circled – which do I choose? Do I have to choose one or the other? Can you have romance without love or vice versa? “Spirituality” and “Faith” were also both circled – are those one and the same? Is one more important to me than the other? After a few minutes of intense contemplation, I selected my five and waited.

Step 3: Finally, choose your top three. You have one minute.

At this point, I could feel my stomach clench in distress – from family, faith, love, partnerships, and peacefulness, what two can I eliminate? All of those things make up the core of who I am and what I value most deeply. I could feel my cheeks flushing with concentration. It felt like no matter what values I eliminated, I was betraying my family and myself. Could I cross off family without feeling like I was unfaithful to those closest to me? If love didn’t make the final cut, did that mean that it wasn’t important to me at all? Fifteen seconds were left before I had to make my decision. I clenched my left hand into a fist, sighed and crossed off two virtues.

I’m left staring at three words that are haphazardly circled on the worn notebook in front of me:

Partnerships, peacefulness, and faith.

As I continue to think about what those three values mean to me, the feeling of betrayal slowly fades into a deep sense of thoughtful realization.

I didn’t eliminate family and love because they aren’t important to me; I eliminated those because they are the mostimportant to me.

Through faith, peacefulness, and partnerships, I find safety and wholeheartedness. Those three qualities in conjunction with each other are what family and love are made of. I feel connected to my coworkers, friends, family, and partners when our partnership is rooted in peacefulness and faith: faith that through God and His divine plan, everything will work out as it is designed. It sounds counterintuitive to eliminate family and love when they are what make me, me. However nonsensical it may sound, it makes perplexingly beautiful sense to me.

I am healthily and lovingly engaged in my relationships when those three values are at the center of my life.

As we continue to discern our own purpose on this earth, let’s all take a minute to consider what three values we hold closest to our hearts. We can better gain a better understanding our deepest desires, aspirations and fears if we take the time to reflect upon what has shaped us in the past and what we want to shape us in the future.