I struggle with this word happiness. I find myself consistently wondering about this word. Is it a word? Is it a feeling we can't help but feel? Or is it a state of mind we are able to put ourselves in? I get a little existential about it, but I am genuinely battling this word.

Why wouldn't it be a word? It's in Webster's dictionary definition. "2 a :a state of well-being and contentment: joy. b : a pleasurable or satisfying experience. I wish you every happiness in life." So obviously it's a word. By the second part, it is a pleasurable experience, a feeling. That must be true. Then it also says a state of well-being. that all makes sense doesn't it?

I find myself confused about it still because I guess I don't understand how people can be so happy all the time. People write songs about it, being happy. I meet people who are always happy and I wish I could understand.

Now I'm not saying I'm some sort of heartless person who doesn't feel joy. Of course, I do feel happy sometimes. I feel happy when I see my nieces and nephew. I feel happy when I see my dad and mom. I feel happy when I see my brother and his wife be happy with each other. I feel happy when my dog finally decides to snuggle with me and stay by my side all night. However, I struggle with keeping those feelings.

When I think about all these happy things, I am reminded of all the terrible things that will someday sweep away these beautiful parts of life. By then I'm already in a panic and going into a full-on existential crisis. Life happens though and I know I need to accept these things. I just have a hard time not thinking about them.

When there are bad things happening in the world, I struggle with understanding why. When kids and animals and anyone, is being harmed, I have a hard time understanding why we are smiling around. Of course, we aren't aware of these things majority of the time, so I can't blame anyone for living their life.

I want to believe a happy little pill isn't the only solution for others who may not be able to grasp the idea of happiness. I want me, and other people who feel this way to be able to hold happiness without such chemicals, even though it's our imbalance of chemicals in our bodies that are making us feel this way all the time. I wish I could breathe in the fresh air, look at the sun, have a completely good day and that would be enough. However, that isn't always the case.

I want to put this out there for anyone else who struggles with being happy. You are not alone, and this isn't your fault. Maybe we were a little pessimistic, to begin with, but we can't completely blame ourselves if we are trying every day to be happy. There are beautiful things in my life, and I love them.

I can be happy, it's just a bit of a challenge. I put this out there for others to know there are people you can talk to if you feel this way because if you don't get help, this isn't going to be manageable for you. It's going to be okay, and tomorrow is going to come. It will be hard, but we can make it. I promise you. Happiness may not be something we can hold forever, but it's something I believe we will find one day to be able to achieve truly.