As my previous articles clearly express, I have a huge heart. I try to express love and kindness to everybody I meet, as hard as it may be sometimes. There are definitely days where I would much rather throw my middle finger up, call it quits, and hop off the kindness bus.
With this being said, those days are my personal reality. I try my best not to express that to anyone other than myself, as I would be disappointed in myself if I took my inner anger and frustration out on an unwilling bystander. But they happen.
They happen quite often, actually. In fact most days I have no less than 10 private mental or emotional breakdowns. Typically in the shower where I can wallow and cry in my pity in peace.
I finally realized why I feel so emotionally unstable compared to others who seem so grumpy all of the time. Like hello, I try to be joyful and jolly all day everyday. How does this crutch my mental and emotional health?
The answer is simple and has been lingering in front of me my entire life.
I’m not an ass.
I don’t respond to everyone I speak to with sarcasm. I don’t make it a point to let people know how I feel about themselves or their actions if I don’t have a kind opinion. I do make it a point to please others even when they don’t please me.
Therefore, all of my negative energy piles up inside until the bag bursts. I take my irritated energy out on myself rather than expressing it all day everyday towards others.
Granted, I’ll be able to look back on my life and feel as if I was always the bigger person. Always charitable. Always kind.
I know it will pay off.
But for the most part I’m incredibly disrupted emotionally due to my lack of bluntness when it comes to dealing with others.
So next time you catch me worrying about what the cashier at the grocery store said to me last week, or what some ignoramus from Facebook commented on my post, it’s seriously because I don’t feel able to express the proper emotion towards the situation.
So rather than responding with anger or annoyance, it basically comes out of me as tears and hysteria.
Back to the shower I go to expel my bottled up emotions.