When I first found out I was pregnant with our youngest, I cried. For weeks. I cried because I wasn't sure how we were going to do it. Just the week before I found out we had another one on the way, my husband and I had discussed only having our one child. He had already planned it out in his head to only have one, because having two daughters might just put us over the edge. But then to find out that I was pregnant again and our first wasn't even a year old yet? Whew. Let me tell you.
Having a child is hard! Being responsible for another person's life outside of your own is hard. It will drive you crazy, make you obsessive and keep you awake at night. I have nightmares, a few times a week, about protecting our oldest. I lie awake at night having what if moments.
What if I'm not that good at being a mom? What if she gets hurt? How do I know when to take her to the doctor? What happens when she starts kindergarten? How do you even start the process of getting enrolled?
She was the light of our lives. She was the first thing I thought of when I woke up, and was the last thing I prayed about before falling asleep. I would literally breathe her in every second I was around her. I was EXCITED to wake up at 6 a.m. and snuggle her. See, crazy! Kids make you crazy.
Then, when I found out about being pregnant again, a whole different set of crazy questions started flooding my mind. How could I ever love another child the way I did her? Were we robbing her of her childhood? What happens if they didn't like each other? What if she didn't like us? How were we going to make it? How were we going to survive on our incomes, we were barely surviving with one kid.
The day before my first OB appointment with our youngest, I was a mess. I felt guilty that I wasn't excited like I was with our first. I felt like there was something wrong because I just didn't feel the same. I couldn't fall asleep the night before. I just kept having awful thoughts.
Then. Ugh, then. Right before I started to drift off to sleep, that (stinking) Joel Osteen came on talking about how people say that their child was an accident. Not that their living, breathing child was an accident, but that their getting pregnant was unplanned...therefore accident. He said it always drove him crazy because no child was an accident. Every child had a purpose, every child was planned. Every child is fearfully and wonderfully made.
It was that moment I gave up all fear, anxiety, and sadness about having another child. It was then that I let go of all worry for her, and us. I gave it all, because God has a plan. Always has, always will.
These past few weeks have been a struggle for me. I have cried several times because being a parent is hard. I've had several friends say how lucky I am that I get to stay at home with our kids. How lucky it is that I don't miss any mile stones. And it's true. I am lucky. But weeks like these past few, I lose sight of that. When our oldest acts like a nut, the youngest doesn't sleep and all I want to do is eat chocolate and feel sorry for myself, I lose sight of that. Then I remember, we are all fearfully and wonderfully made.
What the girls are going through, the different stages of childhood are rough, and what I'm dealing with right now, is only a small piece of the puzzle that makes up our lives. I will be so thankful in a few years knowing that I got to spend most of their childhood at home with them. So here I am again, giving it all back. I'm giving all my grief, anxiety, and sadness back to Him. I refuse to be frustrated all the time. He has a plan and I'm just sticking to it. Every slap in the face, poop on the wall, sleepless night, every fight I have to break up, I am sticking to it.
I still don't have all the answers. I couldn't tell you if our girls are behind or ahead of the growth curve because they haven't stepped foot in a doctor's office in at least six months. I have no clue where to look for pre-k programs for our oldest. I have no idea if our kids are geuinely nice people, but I do know one thing. They were both fearfully and wonderfully made, and that has to account for something, right?