When I fell I wasn’t told to brush it off, don’t cry about it or just laugh about it. It just happened with no direction, I chose the outcome every time when I fell. Getting up was just half of the problem, going about the rest of my day with this incident was the other half. Displayed throughout media the daughter is picked up by her father, he made sure the rest of her day was not jeopardized because of her falling. Not me.

Dating is scary because you don’t know if the person you want to be with is going help you when you fall. You don’t know if they will accept you for who you are and not what you were. You do not know if having this abandonment in your life makes you seem isolated, distant and silent. You do not know if you will be in more pain if things do not end well. Dating is hard no doubt, but dating when you have never had this loving from a man who truly loves you is even harder. It’s difficult to give him everything because you do not know what he wants. How much love and nurturing do you give to this man? How does this man see his women? Why does he want me when my own father didn’t? Does this mean I am not capable of being loved by a man?

Opening up to other guys is extremely hard. We are usually not observant of our own selves, but I know my refusal to let men into my life is because of my estranged father. What sort of man am I supposed to be looking for? I refuse to let another man into my life because of every source of neglect that was left. I refuse to let the man who has interest in me have the opportunity to know me because my own father did not want to. How am I supposed to hold a man? Is my embrace suppose to feel weak or strong? I refuse to let him do nice things for me. SImply because I never felt that men could do nice things. I refuse to let him love me because how am I supposed to know what sort of love or feeling that is? I don’t want him to fall for me because I am beyond terrified that I will mess it up. Or he will just end up leaving because it seems that easy. So, so easy. I’m afraid that I will say I love him and not truly mean it. Because those just seem like words. I’m not looking to fulfill the void because it's been so empty for so long that I didn’t think I need it. They always say you should marry the man who is like your father, but what sort of man would that make me marry? I’m scared.

But I’m working on it. I refuse to let my estranged father control every aspect of my life. It is so strange to know that being in someone's arms holds a sense of security, compassion, hope and pride. I did not know these feelings until I started dating. For the longest time I avoided speaking to boys anymore than a friend. I did not know how dating will go for me. Or if I will ever date.

To those who also have the estranged father I know the struggle, fear and sadness. But I am one hundred percent certain this void of abandonment, neglect, unreturnable love will have a solution because there is something, if not someone else, that will make love come easy and that void will shrink.