Why Having An Estranged Father Makes Dating Scary In 2017

Why Having An Estranged Father Makes Dating Scary In 2017

Daddy issues are real people.

When I fell I wasn’t told to brush it off, don’t cry about it or just laugh about it. It just happened with no direction, I chose the outcome every time when I fell. Getting up was just half of the problem, going about the rest of my day with this incident was the other half. Displayed throughout media the daughter is picked up by her father, he made sure the rest of her day was not jeopardized because of her falling. Not me.

Dating is scary because you don’t know if the person you want to be with is going help you when you fall. You don’t know if they will accept you for who you are and not what you were. You do not know if having this abandonment in your life makes you seem isolated, distant and silent. You do not know if you will be in more pain if things do not end well. Dating is hard no doubt, but dating when you have never had this loving from a man who truly loves you is even harder. It’s difficult to give him everything because you do not know what he wants. How much love and nurturing do you give to this man? How does this man see his women? Why does he want me when my own father didn’t? Does this mean I am not capable of being loved by a man?

Opening up to other guys is extremely hard. We are usually not observant of our own selves, but I know my refusal to let men into my life is because of my estranged father. What sort of man am I supposed to be looking for? I refuse to let another man into my life because of every source of neglect that was left. I refuse to let the man who has interest in me have the opportunity to know me because my own father did not want to. How am I supposed to hold a man? Is my embrace suppose to feel weak or strong? I refuse to let him do nice things for me. SImply because I never felt that men could do nice things. I refuse to let him love me because how am I supposed to know what sort of love or feeling that is? I don’t want him to fall for me because I am beyond terrified that I will mess it up. Or he will just end up leaving because it seems that easy. So, so easy. I’m afraid that I will say I love him and not truly mean it. Because those just seem like words. I’m not looking to fulfill the void because it's been so empty for so long that I didn’t think I need it. They always say you should marry the man who is like your father, but what sort of man would that make me marry? I’m scared.

But I’m working on it. I refuse to let my estranged father control every aspect of my life. It is so strange to know that being in someone's arms holds a sense of security, compassion, hope and pride. I did not know these feelings until I started dating. For the longest time I avoided speaking to boys anymore than a friend. I did not know how dating will go for me. Or if I will ever date.

To those who also have the estranged father I know the struggle, fear and sadness. But I am one hundred percent certain this void of abandonment, neglect, unreturnable love will have a solution because there is something, if not someone else, that will make love come easy and that void will shrink.

Cover Image Credit: UnSplash

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Just Because I Check My Boyfriend's Location Every Hour Doesn't Make Me A 'Psycho Girlfriend'

No, checking his location every hour does not make me psycho.

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a few months now. He has come up with describing my actions sometimes as “psycho girlfriend.” As much as this bothered me at first I started to realize there is nothing wrong with my “psycho” actions.

I don’t monitor who my boyfriend hangs out with and I don’t care who he texts, I trust him, but I do watch other things he does.

I probably check his location about once an hour, maybe more if he isn’t texting me back.

This isn’t some way for me to find out if he is with another girl, it’s so I can ensure he isn’t dead in a ditch somewhere. If he was on Snapchat five minutes ago but hasn’t texted me back in 45 minutes, yeah I’ll call him out on it but I'm not actually mad. If he is with friends and not answering me, it’s cool. I just want to be able to make sure I know where he is and that he is alive on a regular basis.

I make him keep his read receipts on for me.

I don’t care if he leaves me on read, I just need to know he is seeing what I’m saying. Half the time, I text him random facts or thoughts I have throughout my day, those don’t always need a response back. However, I do want to know he is acknowledging me through reading my texts.

Yes, from time to time I will spam him and make him respond to my messages so we can make plans or I can know what he is doing with his day but it’s not like I plan out his every move for him or care if he is getting drunk with the boys on a Wednesday, not my issue.

I don’t ask for all of his time or anything. I know he is a busy person. All I ask for him to text me back on a regular basis (once an hour to be exact), for him to allow for me to know where he is at all times and to get one night a week with him.

I don’t plan to show up where he is or anything, I simply just like to know information and get a weekly time with him. I don’t care if I only see him that one night a week, I just want one night with a movie or dinner or snuggles so I can get my boyfriend time.

The rest of the time he is his own person, and I couldn’t really care less about what he does in that time.

Cover Image Credit: Grace Wilkowski

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The Walls We Build

Sometime we don't realize they're there

All humans have a common ground: the desire to be loved. No one, despite what they might say, wants to be alone. We weren't meant to be, and we shouldn't settle for it. However, there may be reasons why we think or feel that being alone is easier or how we're meant to live.

Companionship is so important, but it can be difficult for some people. I personally feel like I would rather shove a firey hot branding iron down my throat before letting someone know everything about me and be that exposed. It's hard to do, but it is so necessary. We walk around carrying so much with us and knowing we have people to rely on and that we are not alone can make such a difference in our lives and overall happiness. Intimacy and being vulnerable with people is very underrated and sometimes underappreciated.

It's so much easier to put up walls between us and the people around us. Using humor as a defense mechanism, shying away from physical contact, and even just staying quiet in hopes of not being seen are all ways we avoid making connections with others. They're our fallbacks, but they shouldn't always be. We should find ways to be open, and in turn, gain confidence in who we are and what we stand for. Being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength.

Though not everyone in the world will be super close to you and relate on a deeper level, there will be some people you meet who you do bond with. I am fortunate enough to still be best friends with my best friend from kindergarten. She is my rock. We've experienced everything together and through many stages of our lives: childhood, pre-teen years, teenage years, and now our twenties. Even though she spends most of the year going to school 693 miles away from Purdue, she has always been the closest person to me. She knows what I'm thinking before I think it, and I trust her with my life. I believe in soul mates, not just in a romantic way, but in a friendship kind of way, and that's what we have.

You'll never meet your friend soul mate, or any kind of soul mate for that matter if you're so guarded. Let your walls come down and have love in your life.

Cover Image Credit: Mikayla Workman

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