After I lost my younger sister, I could feel that maybe I might have mental problems. Sometimes I got hallucinations because I could hear my sister's voice when I was alone. Furthermore, my heart was even heavier; I felt hurt and easily cried whenever I saw something that reminded me about my sister such as clothes for kids. Tears just dropped even though I did not want to. However, I was only softly whimper because I never wanted my mother to recognize; I usually used my hands to cover my mouth and shut down my voice. What is more, in class, whenever I had break, I would shed tears. Because of being tired of everything including myself, I got easily angry and could blame for everything when I got mistakes. There was like a huge bomb which might explode at any time. I felt so hopeless and wanted to give up everything.

However, one day, there was a phone call from one of my relatives in U.S., she was one of my grandma’s sisters. After knowing my situation, she asked my mother to allow me to study abroad. My mother at first did not want me to go. However, after I explained to her that I wanted to improve myself, forget the past and create a new better life for both of us, she agreed and let me come here. Before I got on the airplane, my mom promised me to take care of herself well, and I also promised to call her usually and keep myself stay healthy.

“If you have a chance to go back to your past and change something you wrongly did, do you want to? I keep asking myself that question until I realize that I should not go back to the past. I don’t want to step back because I am appreciated with whatever I had been through. All my experience will help me to build my characters and form who I will be then. In addition, everyone never can always walk in the light during their lives. Sometimes people need to fight with the darkness to find the brightness. Moreover, another friend who has also suffered many terrible things in his life used to text me to answer a similar question when I knew he purposely delay his sickness till the incurable stage. He said that he did not want to go back the past, and he hated regretting because there was no point at all.

“Will I forgive my father for his mistakes in the past?” I will but it is not easy for me to forget. It is because at the end of everything, he is my dad. I think he may understand what he did wrongly after my sister passed away. My childhood was destroyed, but now I want to find my peace in my soul which can be destroyed by the anger. There was someone who told me:

“You cannot change anything in your past, and your memories cannot be erased so easily, so why don’t you try to adapt and figure out how to live better in the future to replace your heart feelings with happiness?”

“Sometimes a short walk down memory lane is all it takes to appreciate where you are today.”- Susan Gale.