How Starting College Restarted My Faith

How Starting College Restarted My Faith

It's amazing the way you can find God in people and places.

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Going into my freshman year of college this time one year ago, I didn't know what to expect. There was so much going on; new campus, new room, new people, new classes. I remember I was most worried about making friends and whether or not I was going to be able to handle my classes. I was a ball of anxious feelings and for the first semester, I felt like I was just getting accustomed to going through the motions. I was definitely having fun and enjoyed this new phase of my life, but looking back now, I think I knew something was missing. Spring semester came up quick and I was as nervous as ever about the same things; keeping my friendships from last semester and adjusting to a new schedule. With all this new stress, the last thing I expected was to be going to church again.

Attending church on campus wasn't something that had crossed my mind. I knew it was an option; there are plenty of churches and religious groups around. I had some friends that were involved in a few different churches and I enjoyed hearing about it but I never thought it was for me. I had already done the church thing practically my entire life. Growing up Catholic, going to private schools, attending Mass twice a week in high school. At that point, I felt burnt out. I still had a relationship with God at this time an I valued it a lot, but I kept it to myself and figured it was as developed as it was going to get.

An invitation to church from my closest friend changed all that for me. The first time I stepped into the room, I felt the energy shifting. The service was everything I had been missing; an interactive, personal, lively, genuine approach to faith and God. I found myself excited to be there, especially with other students who were so committed to their faith. It was different from high school where we were all expected to have our faith life figured out, in one way or another. But Kingdom M'Powerment was different and it was refreshing to feel like I had started anew with God.

After attending this first service, weekends became exciting for me...not because I wanted to party but because I wanted to go to church! Sundays were the best day of the week; I would make it a point to get all my work done on Saturdays so I could enjoy the two-three hour service and join in for dinner afterward. After a couple of Sundays, I started to get involved in Tuesday Bible study classes as well. I hadn't actively read the Bible since probably eighth grade and though I was a little apprehensive about getting into the Bible, I ended up genuinely enjoying the lessons I was learning along with a new understanding of how to view it.

Tuesdays quickly became the best part of the school week. I had not anticipated for my faith life to have changed into something so much more fulfilling and genuine than I had previously known. I had limited myself previously in my relationship with God and I am thankful that He put the right people in my life to lead me to a new one. The camaraderie and love I hadn't realized I had been looking for but had found in Kingdom M'Powerment was the highlight of my freshman year and I am beyond excited to spend another year this way, with my favorite people.

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When God Says, “Not Right Now.”

“God give me faith to wait and not manipulate. To trust You fully, no matter how my circumstances may appear." — Lynn Cowell

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One of the most frustrating yet beautiful things is when God tells us “no" or “not right now."

At the time, you may have agony or desperation for this one thing to work out in your life, but it slips away from you. You may ask God why. Why does He want you to be unhappy? Why does He want to take away your dreams?

At the time, you cannot see how much God truly is working in your life, but He is. In my life, every time that I was disappointed that a plan or dream didn't work out, I was devastated. I didn't want to be in a position where I was challenged and tested. I wanted all the blessings to flow and to fulfill what I thought was my plan in life. But that's exactly what it was: my plan.

I did not see at the time that that is not what God intended for me and that He actually had far greater plans than I did for myself. He needed to mold me into who I am supposed to be today. Along the way I have met the most amazing people that have had a huge impact on my life, have gone through the most amazing experiences with God, and I wouldn't trade going through all the trials because it has truly made me into the woman I am today.

“What God does in us while we wait is as important as what we are waiting for." – John Ortberg

God is continually, endlessly, working in our lives.

We may not see it, but He is. We may blame God for all the things that are going wrong in our lives, but we never see that in the end, we were supposed to go through the low valleys to get to the high, amazing, and beautiful mountains in our lives.

I truly believe that it's when you're at the bottom of the darkest pit in your life that you can actually see the light of God shining brightly upon you. During these times, pray to Him to lead you to understanding that this is all a part of His plan for you.

It hurts God to see that His child is suffering, but in order to carve out just the person that you are supposed to be, you must go through challenges. Where you are today is no accident. God is using the challenge you are in to shape you and prepare you for the place He wants you tomorrow. When it comes to God's plan, timing is absolutely everything.

Looking back on all the events that I had to endure before getting to where I am now, I know that I had to go through the trials in order to be just who I am today, which is happier than I have ever been because I know God and His plan for me. Waiting is the most difficult job of hope, but you must remain faithful and know that God is guiding you.

“When I wait, you strengthen my heart." Psalm 27:14

When you are waiting for God's righteous plan, don't lose faith in His goodness. He only wants the best for you, and in the end, you will look back and see just how much He truly was working in your life. Be patient and the blessings will flow.

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Poetry On Odyssey: Ego

Years later, we can still learn something about ourselves and our morality from Freud.

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I'm studying Freud now for maybe the 5th time

So I'm familiarized with his notorious line


It starts off as ID, ending at SuperEgo

Which helps you gauge if you're good, and hopefully not evil


It's the impossible goal to balance Ego in the middle

I think back on myself, trying so hard to fiddle


The morality dial to a place to that felt right

Where my mind was peace and my soul could feel light


I think now that I've made it, but I hadn't at first

So my earlier years were understandably the worst


My first day of grade school I was instantly smitten

Well aware that my guidelines had already been written


I was taught that fulfillment could be found in God's Word

His love the incentive with which I was lured


But she was just so damn sweet, with long hair and dark eyes

I hated myself for thinking same as the guys


Adam would never have lain down with a man

So to make it to Heaven, she was not in the plan


Later in life I was leaving high school

Taking dick, smoking pot and breaking rules to look cool


When on a contemplative car ride one night with my friend

My SuperEgo delusion came to a startling end


I asked, "Have you ever felt like you were missing a penis before?"

Her expression told me not to bring that up anymore


That night sent me deep into a pit of self loathing

I could pass as pure to my church, but felt absolutely nothing


I was shrink wrapped in guilt for the secrets I held

Taught that my kind were all children of the Angel that Fell


I felt I had failed, too wrapped up in desire

Postmarked now for down under as a fag, tranny and liar


Even though I would spend just two more years with God's son

I had denied who I was till the damage was done


All those times that I'd judged queer folks with disgust

Held me down like a freight train infested with rust


I internalized all the hatred I'd spread

Every comment placed pea-like in my soft Christian bed


That was the past, I breath easier now

But not without finding my "who" and my "how"


The person I'm now is so earthquakingly free

I mourn the years without girlfriends and the pronouns "him/he"


Pretty Boy is all honest, and that's pretty much "how"

I was able to end up at "who" I am now


It seems that its easy to find your Ego on the line

When your ID and your Super are authentically defined


But not by a god or a priest or a book

Right and wrong will come out if you're willing to look

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