I guess I'm just used to having some sort of chaos in my life. I mean, it makes sense considering that the better part of the last 10 years has involved some sort of existential crisis going on. If it wasn’t tension at home or at school, sexual abuse, drug addiction, treatment centers, eating disorders, legal issues, money issues or just self-imposed issues due to ridiculous actions, I’ve spent most of my life in the midst of some sort of turmoil.
So, I sit here today and I realize that for the first time since I can remember and certainly for the first time since I’ve been sober from drugs and alcohol, that I have nothing to adhere to. There’s nothing to clear up, no immediate goal to be met and no conflict with myself or other. It’s so weird.
It’s almost as if I’m looking for something because I’m just so used to running around like a chicken with my head cut off to get things done. Now I will embark on a new lesson and a new journey: how to be calm amidst the calm. I thrive on remaining calm throughout a storm, or I just like making the storm worse, and once my back is completely against the wall I make a great comeback.
I’ve never learned how to just enjoy things. How to just sit back and pursue the things I care about and use my time to do things I actually want to do. Now it’s about continuing to recover my self-worth and self-love to realize that there’s more work to be done here. It’s about continuing to grow and expand on all the lessons I’ve learned, the habits I’ve built and ultimately the person I was meant to be this whole time. Random late night thoughts from a crazy person, edition number one.