Disappointment.
We all know the feeling, some of us a little too well. No matter who you are, where you live or what stage you are in life, every human being has been faced with disappointment. Maybe your date cancelled on you last minute. Maybe you didn't do as well on that paper as you thought you did. Maybe you didn't get that job you wanted, or into the college of your dreams. There are quite literally an infinite number of situations in which things don't go exactly as planned, leaving us feeling disappointed, dejected and worst of all, unmotivated.
Everyone handles it differently, and I'm the first to admit that I used to handle it roughly--and that's putting it lightly. When I was younger, I let every situation that didn't fall into place exactly how I wanted it upset me so much I wouldn't be able to forget it for weeks. When gearing up for an event or simply even just writing a paper, I obsessively pored over every minute detail and made sure not a single hair was out of place, out of fear of rejection or disappointment. I vehemently hated the idea that anything could go differently than I hoped it would, and was convinced that it would throw my entire life off track and make everyone around me think I was a failure.
I've dealt with generalized and social anxiety since I was a child, so that kind of thinking, ridiculous as it was, dominated my thoughts of the future and only heightened my already anxious state. My anxiety would make me overthink and assume the worst out of everything, and my fear of disappointment only made that anticipation even worse.
Assuming the worst is a pretty pessimistic practice, and most of the time wholly dramatic and unnecessary. Sometimes, though, the worst did happen. Sometimes, the worst possible outcome became reality. Like when I failed the one class I needed to get into a specific college in high school. Or when I got rejected from 3 out of the 5 universities I applied to, including my dream school.
Assuming the worst is already hard on your psyche, but it becomes even worse when your biggest fear or dread turns out to be reality. I remember feeling like I had just got punched in the ribs when I opened every college rejection letter, and like life was completely over. But, you know what else happens when your worst fears turn out to be right? You live. You continue on with your life, even though it didn't seem possible. And you realize the "worst" isn't really the worst at all--it's inconvenient and disappointing, for sure, but it's not the end.
After I began to experience failure after failure, and roadblock after roadblock, I realized that. And in a way, my anxiety served to help me rationalize what could happen in the future and realize that even if the worst possible scenario played out and I was disappointed once again, I would be okay. Overthinking what could happen and all the ways I could fail also taught me that failure and the consequent disappointment is a temporary state, and a liveable one. After all, I've already been through the "worst" and lived to tell the tale, right?
Now I don't exactly welcome failure or disappointment, but I tolerate it a lot healthier. So when my anxiety flares up and I can't stop myself from thinking "What if you don't get the job? What if you don't graduate? What if you fail at everything?!" I can take a deep breath and tell myself: "I'll be disappointed. But I'll keep on living." I can't thank my anxiety for many things in life, but this lesson is one of them, and one I'll be practicing for the rest of my life.