If April showers bring May flowers, then I’m guessing a week of March rest will summon house guests. We’ve all but forgotten Spring Break was ever meant to be a break of any sort and our house is currently in precisely the topsy-turvy condition you would expect when you hear that an entire clan of well-meaning family members are set to arrive at your place. I’m all about being gracious to guests, but there are certain things that I’ve learned to expect over the years, so I’m going to use this time to prepare myself for what I know is coming.

1. Be prepared for intensive cleaning

This isn’t just the annual spring cleaning where you can shove a blanket over the pile of dirty laundry in your room and declare the job complete. According to family lore, houseguests are allergic to even the tiniest speck of dust which entails a full cleaning.

By the time the sweeping, mopping, wiping, folding and scrubbing are completed, you get to treat yourself to the aches and pains of a week’s worth of effort. It makes me wonder, “Are sparkling floors really worth it?” — apparently.

2. Any room can double as a guest room

I envy people who have a guest room, by which I mean a room specifically designed to house any guests who might be bothered to intrude. Unfortunately, ours doesn’t. You would think this meant that our guests were handed sheets and mattresses to spread in the common but sadly that isn’t the case.

My parents are big on treating houseguests with the proper courtesy which includes making sure they get their beauty sleep. And since offering the master bedroom is out of the question, who do you think gets to be evicted from their abode? The kids. Goodbye beauty sleep, hello lumpy air mattress.

3. Everything gets an upgrade

Even though we’ve been eating out of the same chipped and antiquated dinnerware for the past eternity, we’ve all known better than to ask when we can use the beautiful new dinnerware set gathering dust in the kitchen cabinet.

Same with the new food processor, the set of silver cutlery and even the salt and pepper shakers. If we never had guests, I’m sure all that amazing new stuff would continue to be treated in the same reverential manner of museum artifacts. At least now, I might actually be able to appreciate the wonders of eating on a plate that actually resembles a plate.

4. We all become actors

“Sister dear, will you pass the lemon?” Our guests probably smile at this touching tableau of sisterly devotion. What they don’t know is that two days ago, the same request was made with a crude, “Are you deaf? That’s the third time I told you to give me the lemon.”

They also probably can’t guess that the man smiling benignly at them was tearing the house apart, looking for a missing razor a few days ago and the woman who offers them more food with a smile was cursing all of humanity mere several hours back as she attempted to get the stoves to function. It’s amazing what wonderful performers we can become when we have a purpose.

5. If there are younger kids, you’ve landed a job

Houseguests are probably the only people who won’t ask you for your resume or recommendations when they bring their little kids in tow with them. As long as the kids are out of sight, the parents are free to relax and enjoy their break.

On the downside, you’ve become an unofficial babysitter, whether you wanted to or not and your next few days will probably involve trying to catch toddlers or listening to the rantings of admittedly cute cherubs.The downside? This isn’t really a paid opportunity.

6. You realize that there are more than three dishes in the world

When it’s just us, my mother doesn’t really bother with being fancy and sometimes I feel like we eat a rotation of the same meals every week. When I chance to bring it up, my mother will exclaim, “Well, what else is there?” Since she’s the reason any of us get any food at all, I try not to antagonize her and dutifully eat my peas and carrots.

Houseguests must bring some creative inspiration with them, though, because out come the old Food Network cookbooks and my mother becomes a kitchen genius. I think my dad secretly tries to get houseguests over just so my mother can remember that lasagna exists.

7. Keep the tissues ready

Sure, they’re the reason you can’t lift a spoon without hunching over in pain and they’ve exploited you as unpaid child labor but when everything’s said and done, these are usually people near and dear to you. And if they were complete strangers before, seeing their faces hovering near yours for a week will have worked wonders to remove some of the strangeness.

When they’re standing at the threshold with their bags, it's wise to have some tissues on hand because you’ll definitely be thinking of all the new memories you’ve made with them at this time (although you’re also probably exulting over the prospect of sleeping in an actual bed again). As Shakespeare put it, “Parting is such sweet sorrow.”