I was never the kind of girl that people took much interest in. My body was short and pudgy, with an especially chubby tummy. I wasn't athletic. I made just about every situation awkward. I was loud and obnoxious. I was just not the kind of girl that people took much interest in.

The first person I ever asked out said no thank you. As did the second and third person. The fourth said yes, but then called around noon to cancel. The fifth said yes, but then decided he just wanted to be friends. The sixth thought my best friend was prettier. The seventh thought I was too fat. The eighth wanted to get high instead of being with me. Needless to say, I wasn't having much luck.

Towards the end of my junior year, I lost a significant amount of weight. I started wearing tighter clothes. I experimented more with my makeup. I bought my first ever dress. People still weren't looking at me, even though I was a hopeless romantic looking for love. Even though I was desperate.

I decided to try online apps that could connect me with people in my community. This new world of relationships and flings was opened up to me. Finally, I found my first boyfriend. I got my magical first kiss on my magical first date. Someone told me that they loved me. I thought I had found love. But in reality, I had found a black supremacist who was a fan of polygamy and thought I was a bad Christian for not reading the Bible. Throughout our two and a half months together, I remained faithful. He, on the other hand, liked filling his cart with items that he wasn't going to buy.

Thankfully, the relationship crashed and burned. But now I was single... I had to go back to the drawing board. Back to rejection and back to being unlovable.

I was too afraid to commit to one person. Too afraid to be alone. My biggest fear was being hurt and being thrown away. Before I got back in the game, I promised myself that I would always be the dumper. I would not get dumped. I would not get heart broken. I would not fall in love.

So let the games begin.

I had no type. If they moved and they showed enough interest, I was handing over my phone number. Feeling desirable is an addiction. Being a player is an addiction. I had never been the pretty girl. Nobody had ever asked me out. People weren't trying to see what was going on under my dress. But all of a sudden, I didn't have to throw myself at people. They were throwing themselves at me. Bend over just right, tell them I was 18, and I'd have them proclaiming their love for me on the first date. I became a heart breaker.

But with no standards, I was in for a whirlwind of heartbreak, myself. The heart break was inevitable. Anyone will tell you they love you if they want to sleep with you bad enough. But most of them won't care enough about you to ask how many others there are. Even if there are six...seven...or eight others. It didn't matter.

I was playing a game. A game I was winning and losing. A game that was causing me heart break. A game that made me feel desirable. A game that brought tears to my eyes in the night. A game that brought ecstasy to my entire being in the day. A game that I never really got to finish...

So to All of My Crusty Ex-Partners,

Thanks for burning me with your cigarette. Thanks for demanding me to be sexier. Thanks for telling me I wasn't good enough. Thanks for telling me just how boring I am. Thanks for ridiculing my life. Thanks for standing me up, time and time again. Thanks for never replying to my texts. Thanks for choosing video games over me. Thanks for pressuring me into sex. Thanks for faking your love for me. Thanks for treating me like just another cheap orgasm you could replace so easily. Thanks for borrowing my money and never giving it back. Thanks for blowing the smoke from your joint on my face. Thanks for showing my picture to your drunk buddies. Thanks for all of those degrading names you called me. Thanks for never paying for the date. Thanks for leading me on. Thanks for not caring. Thanks for not supporting me. Thanks for not helping me when I needed you. Thanks for tossing me to the side so easily.

I pity your next partners. If I could, I'd write them a book explaining why they could do better. But, I owe you one. I'm fortunate you let me go, because now I get to find someone who is actually worth my time. Honestly, I loathe and despise many of you. I treated you better than gold, and in return, you treated me like shit. You'll probably continue to do that to the others, but gosh, I hope you treat the next one better. And after it all, I hope she is okay.

Sincerely,

The One You're Not Ever Going to Get Back

P.S.: I lied when I told you I loved you. I lied when I told you that you were the only one. I lied when I said I forgave you. I lied when I told you I was okay. We all make mistakes in life, and you were just one of mine.