So, there's this guy. He's perfect. You can't stop thinking about his hair, his eyes, his smile--you have to admit you're crushing big time. Wouldn't it be so nice if he could just, I don't know, fall in love with you? Oh wait, wasn't there some Cosmo article you saw online last week that blatantly told you the exact steps to get exactly that to happen?! It's just a little click away...
Stop right there. Leave the search bar blank. Ladies, this is your wake up call.
There are so many "how-to" articles out there, and some of the most popular ones concern things that could never be simplified to a "how-to" base. Except for maybe "how to make bomb chocolate chip cookies," but that's besides the point. Yes, there are certain things that men find attractive. Yes, romance is complicated and messy, and a step by step guide would definitely be appreciated. But let's be honest; relationships are not simple. Relationships are not perfect. Frankly, a meaningful, real, relationship could never follow a how-to guide, because love, while often romanticized (I'm sorry, I had to), is very different for every person.
I'm not some sort of love expert, not by a long shot. In fact, I often fall victim to those clicking links on Facebook to find out that I need to wear more red or be more mysterious if I want to catch the man of my dreams. I have also found that I never feel better about myself after reading those articles. Most are contradictory, confusing, and pretty misogynistic. I will admit, these "how-to" guides have good intentions. But, as they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
The good intention tip #1: Smile!
Yes, smiling is great! I love smiling! It boosts my mood, and I guess it also makes me more attractive? If I'm being honest with myself, I smile for me. I smile if I feel good. If I'm faking a smile just to catch some guy, it's going to be the first step to a hokey "yeah, I'm totally fine" (even when you're clearly not) kind of relationship. Smile if you feel like smiling. Don't if you don't. A quality guy will appreciate you for who you are, even if you aren't rocking a Miss America toothy grin 24/7.
The good intention tip #2: Be available, but not too available. Be mysterious, but not too mysterious.
Oh, how I wish I could find that invisible line. You want to "play hard to get," but not seem like you're uninterested, but never give too much away about yourself, but let him in on your feelings, but also make sure he always is a little confused and wanting more, because how else will you get a second date? This is just madness. Now, I agree that you probably shouldn't list off all of your exes on your first date, or tell him you think he's gorgeous every five seconds. But I think accepting his Facebook friend request four days after he sent because that's the
"perfect" balance between interested and uninterested is a little ridiculous. Just go with your gut, and if you're into him, don't be afraid! If you reveal "too much" and he's freaked out, then hey, he's probably not the guy for you anyway.
Good intention tip #3: Strut your Slut (clothes)!
"Everyone knows that guys love it when you show a little skin!" "Don't be afraid to wear a tight skirt and a busty top!" "He knows it's all for him!". Okay, calm down. If I want to dress in revealing clothing, I will. If I want to wear a sweater and jeans, I will. What I wear does not define if I'm a "slut" or not, and if he thinks that these two things have any connection, then he will not be taking me out to dinner anytime soon.
The good intention tip #4: Class is essential. But don't forget tip #3.
Wait, wasn't I supposed to wear that busty top? Apparently, ladies are expected to wear that shirt that is clearly meant for an eight year old and really flaunts our girls and still keep our ankles covered. Show him that you're fun by dancing at parties, but still elegantly sip champagne and coquettishly steal glances at him...while you're dancing on a table with that champagne. The balance between sophisticated and sinful that women are expected to achieve to make him "fall head over heels" is not just unclear, but insane. To "make him fall for you," he first should respect you, which will only happen if you first respect yourself. Attitude and clothing choices included.
The good intention tip #5: Be What He Wants
Oh yeah, this relationship is a party of one. Didn't you know? Everything you do is to please him, because if he's unhappy, you're unhappy. Duh.
NO, NO, NO. Now this isn't explicit in most articles, except for Glamour's "13 Ways to Lock Down A Man," which has since been removed from the magazine's website because it was just so ridiculous (and they got a lot of online banter), but it is still a problem, as it is an expectation in most of these lists. Why are you reading these tips again? Oh right, you're learning how to improve yourself for him, which is precisely the problem. To form an actual, loving relationship, you shouldn't have to "improve" or "change" or "remember these tips." If he can't appreciate you for you, or you don't have the confidence to rock who you really are, then neither one of you is ready to actually fall in love.
So, the real guide to having him to love you endlessly? Make your own rules. There will be terrible, embarrassing things that you will do in the name of love. Sorry, but tips or not, there is no straightforward path to a good relationship. The surest thing you can do is dance to your own tune and then look to your left and see what cutie is jammin' with you.
Honestly, I'll probably look at one of those "how to" guides to love again. I'll browse over it, laughing at the sappy stockphotos, all while knowing that I have found the real and all too cliche secret to finding true love: loving myself.
