As many of my classmates are aware, this week’s “Become More” fundraising campaign has put some pressure on the currently enrolled students. Dinand Library, Kimball Dining Hall, and various other locations have been shut down for speeches, presentations, and other initiatives. Many students have been in an uproar; where will they eat, print and study? I spoke to an administration employee yesterday to better understand why such important facilities were closing, he said, “Wait, don’t students study in Fitton Field?”

Thankfully, the college has a solution. Effective immediately, all alumni activities will be moved into your room. That’s right, you can rest easy this week because Kimball and Dinand will be open. Just be sure to knock before going back to your room. I asked the same employee how the administration came to that incredible decision. He told me, “Shut up, I’m talking to alumni.” But after some persistence, he answered my question, “We decided to put the education of our students first. Obviously, Dinand and Kimball are more spacious, but after the large number of complaints we received, we thought it would just be better to fit hundreds of alumni into your room.”

Students could not have responded more positively to this news. I approached some of them playing Frisbee out on the Hoval, and they were excited. One said, “At first I was skeptical of hosting so many people in my room, but they’ve been really great. In fact, one said that he might consider donating enough money for an actual air-conditioning system!” The whole grouped laughed, and another interjected, “Having so many distinguished alumni in my room has been a real treat. They really seemed to admire my Kate Upton bikini poster and the Lil Wayne music I had blaring in the background.”

Your room was definitely the right place to hold these events, and Holy Cross projects that this year will yield a record breaking fundraiser.

One Alumni was quoted as saying, “Honestly, if they kept the events in beautifully decorated buildings like Dinand or Alumni, I would have thought the college had too much funding, and I wouldn’t have donated any money. But after spending time in your room, I couldn’t give enough. I mean, it was a pigsty. I think I stepped on two week old pizza, and it’s still on my shoe. Also, your towel looked like it hasn’t been washed in three weeks. So please, just take my money and build a decent dormitory!”

So before the final events on the schedule begin in your room, would it kill you to clean up a bit?