January 11, 2018

New plan. I've decided to ditch the knitting. I was about five scarves in when it hit me: I should go back to school! I know it's crazy, (even Dr. Coleman thinks it's a bit much) but why not, you know? After graduating with a degree in economics (which I only majored in because my mother convinced me I wouldn't find a job out of college otherwise) I realized I found my career options absolutely boring--they just didn't match my personality. Nevertheless, I worked as an accountant for about six years until Eli finished his residency and became board-certified. After that, I quit my job and haven't gone back to work since.

This time will be different, though. I'll take some classes, ones in areas I'm really interested in, and I'll be able to learn just for the sake of learning. What could be more fulfilling than that? And who knows? Maybe I'll even go out and get a job.

My girl friends came over yesterday for a "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" viewing party (it's a guilty pleasure of ours...don't judge!) and they almost spit out their boxed wine when I told them my aspirations of going back to college. Apparently, I was being ridiculous: I'm a young (is 36 young?) woman living a more than comfortable life in a beautiful home. Eli pays the bills and all I have to do is stay at home and worry about how to spend the earnings. What more could I ask for? After that conversation, I was quiet for the rest of the gathering, and nothing, not even Kim's comically large butt, made me feel better.

The girls went home at around four o'clock, just before Eli got back home from work. I was craving spaghetti and meatballs (one of my favorite foods) so I decided to make it for dinner. Once I put the plate down, Eli let out a small chuckle (a little strange...I didn't think this was a dish was particularly funny) and started digging in. He was always starving after he got back from the hospital. Normally, I would have started stuffing my face as well, but I was still feeling super bummed about what happened before. Noticing this, Eli stopped shoveling food into his mouth and wiped his face before asking me if I wanted to talk about what was on my mind.

"Um, there's actually something I want to ask you... what do you think about me potentially... um... going back to school?"

My question must have caught him off guard because he didn't say anything for a while. He just sat there, mindfully twirling a couple of broken pieces of pasta in a small puddle of sauce as he stared at the untouched meatballs on his plate. He was looking at the dish as if it was the most curious thing, like he was trying to find his response hidden in the dish. Beneath the sauce, perhaps.

"What would you go to school for?"

The sudden breaking of silence made me let out a small squeak.

"I'm not sure. I just want to be able to find my passion in life, and I'm not talking about stupid hobbies like going to the gym or knitting. I mean like a real passion. Something I can be proud of," I said as I too became interested in my dinner plate for no apparent reason.

Eli's intense expression softened as he gave me a small, sympathetic smile. "Would you go back to UCLA?"

I looked up at him and we locked eyes for a moment, long enough for it to be somewhat profound, and laughed.

"Where else? We had some great times there, didn't we?"

Eli shifted his gaze from my eyes to somewhere beyond my head and laughed.

"We sure did."

- Abigail